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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 95304 times)

Offline Oldboy

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #300 on: October 19, 2013, 10:36:40 AM »
  If David Cameron, George Osborne and Ian Duncan Smith were all drowning and you could only save one of them.
  Which pub would you go to?

The one nearest the river, so I could watch as they struggle to stay afloat!  :P

Offline Malcolm1938

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #301 on: October 30, 2013, 11:50:56 PM »
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he has lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr Maynard was admitted to Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."
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Offline Oldboy

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #302 on: October 31, 2013, 10:11:44 AM »
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he has lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr Maynard was admitted to Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."

 :2funny: :2funny:

Offline Oldboy

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #303 on: October 31, 2013, 10:13:50 AM »
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those
clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on
earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'

... 'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Tony Blair's clock?' asked the man.

St Peter replied, 'We are using it as a ceiling fan'   ;D


« Last Edit: October 31, 2013, 10:14:19 AM by Oldboy »

Offline Jediboy

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #304 on: October 31, 2013, 12:08:05 PM »
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those
clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on
earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'

... 'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Tony Blair's clock?' asked the man.

St Peter replied, 'We are using it as a ceiling fan'   ;D

 :2funny: :2funny: ;D
May the Force be with you.

Chris

Offline Malcolm1938

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #305 on: October 31, 2013, 04:04:36 PM »
     "As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

    "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

    "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Shahan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

    The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you,Paddy?"

    "Not me meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

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Offline Oldboy

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #306 on: October 31, 2013, 06:34:26 PM »
     "As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

    "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

    "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Shahan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

    The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you,Paddy?"

    "Not me meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:

Offline Malcolm1938

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #307 on: November 01, 2013, 12:20:59 AM »
    An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman..
    He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

    The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
    'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
    The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
    ''What's so special about it?'
    The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
    The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

    Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
    The woman giggles and replies
    'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

    The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
    ' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

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Offline Hinfrance

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #308 on: November 01, 2013, 10:27:28 AM »
Let's hope he doesn't get chucked in jail for this:

No! Woman, no drive!
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Offline jinky

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #309 on: November 01, 2013, 11:29:41 AM »
Let's hope he doesn't get chucked in jail for this:

No! Woman, no drive!

Nice one.

Offline spikeyjen

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #310 on: November 02, 2013, 07:11:45 AM »
Let's hope he doesn't get chucked in jail for this:

No! Woman, no drive!

I have to say I find it really offensive... especially when this is the reality for so many women.

Offline Hinfrance

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #311 on: November 02, 2013, 09:03:46 AM »
Then you have missed the piont of it entirely Jen. It is a protest song and was released to the world to coincide with the protest that took place last Saturday.  Just google 'saudi women driving protest' and it is the first link that comes up.
« Last Edit: November 02, 2013, 09:04:06 AM by Hinfrance »
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The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil. H.L Mencken.

Offline Hinfrance

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #312 on: November 02, 2013, 09:07:56 AM »
On the other hand, if you like to be offended, you might find this one more to your taste, although this is also something called 'parody'.

Particularly ironic in our household as the one thing Mrs H won't do is reverse except under protest ;)

Oh dear, this has started me watching all of these Harry Enfield vids; the women series and the Cholmondley Warner ones are so  :2funny:  :2funny:  :2funny:
« Last Edit: November 02, 2013, 10:57:24 AM by Hinfrance »
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The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil. H.L Mencken.

Offline jinky

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #313 on: November 02, 2013, 10:44:40 AM »
That one`s blocked BBC content here in UK H but I remember the sketches. Yes when you look at the dialogue in that Saudi guys youtube video it is clear  many don`t get he is an activist who is taking the mickey out of the Saudi mores and might be a brave man to be doing it were he elsewhere. Have another  look spikeyjen - he`s on your side!

Offline Hinfrance

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #314 on: November 02, 2013, 11:12:25 AM »
Shame about the Enfield vids Paul, but there's usually someone who has copied them and posted them under another name. I rolled about laughing at then ones about the gold standard* and the working classes in the East End.

* This and the 'Women, For Pity's Sake Don't Drive' feature Carla Mendonca who is probably our favourite comedy actress - she's just brilliant.
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