What annoyed you today?What made you feel good t...POLL - Something good, We...SOMETHING GOOD - Weekly C...SOMETHING GOOD - Weekly C...HOME AND GARDEN - Weekly ...HOME AND GARDEN - Weekly ...Poll - Stuck at HomeJoke of the day ENTRIES Stuck at Home 17...CHAT -Stuck at Home 17-22...LIQUID- POLLLIQUID - Chat thread week...LIQUID - Entry thread - w...Tool Time PollPhoto show at the Nec - p...

Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 95309 times)

Offline DigiDiva

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1592
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #285 on: August 08, 2013, 12:51:38 PM »
I went to the opticians the other day and guess who I bumped into????


Everyone!

Sorry (Taxi for DD)
Please visit my website @ www.sunderlandwallart.com

Offline spikeyjen

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 485
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #286 on: August 08, 2013, 10:57:05 PM »
Little boy stands at the door and yells "MUM... MUM....."
Mum is annoyed and replies "if you want to talk to me, come here and tell me quietly"
So the little boy walks through the house and into the lounge room, up to his mum and says "Mum, I just stood in dog poo!"

Offline wavemachine

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 31
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #287 on: August 22, 2013, 06:20:46 PM »
A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Murphy. The boss thought I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." So Murphy says, "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw three tree's. The boss says, "What the hell's that?" Murphy says, "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine." Fair enough, says the boss.

Second question, same rules, but represent 99. Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says. The boss scratches his head and says, " How on earth do you get that to represent 99. Murphy says, " Each tree's dirty now! so it's dirty tree, n' dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says, "Alright, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "There ya go sir, 100."

The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks 'Ha! got him this time.' Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred."

Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred, when do I start me job?
My Flickr
366 Project

Dave

Turn to the dark side, we have tea and biscuits

Offline Oldboy

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5329
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #288 on: August 22, 2013, 07:24:13 PM »
A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Murphy. The boss thought I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." So Murphy says, "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw three tree's. The boss says, "What the hell's that?" Murphy says, "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine." Fair enough, says the boss.

Second question, same rules, but represent 99. Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says. The boss scratches his head and says, " How on earth do you get that to represent 99. Murphy says, " Each tree's dirty now! so it's dirty tree, n' dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says, "Alright, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "There ya go sir, 100."

The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks 'Ha! got him this time.' Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred."

Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred, when do I start me job?

 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :D

Offline spikeyjen

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 485
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #289 on: August 26, 2013, 01:55:42 AM »
I haven't stopped laughing at this one, from an email sent by hubby. We had a big story here about a man taken by a crocodile in Northern Territory (he went swimming while at a 30th birthday party, in the most croc infested river in Australia) its in poor taste (sorry about that...)


In Herald Sun, man taken by croc near Darwin has been described by friends as "sensible and cautious"!

Offline Oldboy

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5329
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #290 on: August 26, 2013, 07:15:03 PM »
I haven't stopped laughing at this one, from an email sent by hubby. We had a big story here about a man taken by a crocodile in Northern Territory (he went swimming while at a 30th birthday party, in the most croc infested river in Australia) its in poor taste (sorry about that...)


In Herald Sun, man taken by croc near Darwin has been described by friends as "sensible and cautious"!

Does that mean he's out to lunch?  :doh:

Offline spikeyjen

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 485
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #291 on: August 26, 2013, 10:08:48 PM »
 :2funny:

Offline wavemachine

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 31
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #292 on: October 17, 2013, 07:28:34 PM »
A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.

Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the once again group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.
My Flickr
366 Project

Dave

Turn to the dark side, we have tea and biscuits

Offline Reinardina

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3986
  • Still trying to master photography.
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #293 on: October 17, 2013, 09:10:20 PM »
 :2funny:

You have been AWOL for quite some time! You're not 85 yet surely?
__________________
Reinardina.

Beauty is bought by judgment of the eye.
Shakespeare. (Love's Labours Lost.)

Offline Oldboy

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5329
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #294 on: October 17, 2013, 11:59:24 PM »
:2funny:

You have been AWOL for quite some time! You're not 85 yet surely?

Going on the last line, I don't think he could answer that!  :doh:

Offline spikeyjen

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 485
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #295 on: October 18, 2013, 09:57:37 AM »
I would have thought they might have gone back to McDonalds, as no 85 year old can afford to go to Captain Jacks any more!!

Offline wavemachine

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 31
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #296 on: October 18, 2013, 06:25:52 PM »
:2funny:

You have been AWOL for quite some time! You're not 85 yet surely?

Not quite, yeah sorry I haven't been around much but been very busy and done very little photography of late.

Actually that's a lie I was at MacDonalds waiting for my friends but they were all waiting for me at Captain what ever is name is ;)
My Flickr
366 Project

Dave

Turn to the dark side, we have tea and biscuits

Offline Oldboy

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5329
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #297 on: October 18, 2013, 10:45:02 PM »
:2funny:

You have been AWOL for quite some time! You're not 85 yet surely?

Not quite, yeah sorry I haven't been around much but been very busy and done very little photography of late.

Actually that's a lie I was at MacDonalds waiting for my friends but they were all waiting for me at Captain what ever is name is ;)

He could have become an Admiral by now.  :D

Offline Graham

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1543
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #298 on: October 19, 2013, 10:27:14 AM »
  If David Cameron, George Osborne and Ian Duncan Smith were all drowning and you could only save one of them.
  Which pub would you go to?
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. 

My Gallery
My Flickr Pics

Offline Beaux Reflets

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2246
  • Commonsense answers a whole load of the unanswered
    • Beaux Reflets
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #299 on: October 19, 2013, 10:31:08 AM »
  If David Cameron, George Osborne and Ian Duncan Smith were all drowning and you could only save one of them.
  Which pub would you go to?

Are they all drinking in the same pub then ?  :beer: :beer:     :legit:
:beer: Andy

"Light anchors things in place and gives perspective meaning."

The choices we make are rooted in reflection.

http://beauxreflets.blogspot.com/

 

latest Posts

Subject Board Views/Replies Member Date & Time
xx What annoyed you today? General Discussion 592612/3924 Oldboy Last post April 02, 2020, 06:25:36 PM
xx What made you feel good today General Discussion 570940/3895 Oldboy Last post April 01, 2020, 10:38:32 AM
xx POLL - Something good, Weekly Competition International Weekly Comp Entries 109/0 Jediboy Last post March 31, 2020, 01:52:43 PM
xx SOMETHING GOOD - Weekly Comp CHAT thread International Weekly Comp Entries 386/13 Hinfrance Last post March 30, 2020, 09:12:04 AM
xx SOMETHING GOOD - Weekly Comp ENTRY thread International Weekly Comp Entries 169/5 Hinfrance Last post March 30, 2020, 09:08:37 AM
xx HOME AND GARDEN - Weekly Comp ENTRY THREAD International Weekly Comp Entries 37/0 Jediboy Last post March 29, 2020, 02:22:41 PM
xx HOME AND GARDEN - Weekly Comp CHAT THREAD International Weekly Comp Entries 70/0 Jediboy Last post March 29, 2020, 02:21:27 PM
xx Poll - Stuck at Home International Weekly Comp Entries 228/3 Jediboy Last post March 29, 2020, 02:16:30 PM