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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 61913 times)

Offline Damon

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Joke of the day
« on: August 31, 2009, 09:02:49 AM »

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
 
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and flirting..

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eatingcrocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has theballs to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing allkinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.

How about half a million bucks then?'
 
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.
 
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said,


'I want the b#stard who pushed me in.'   :2funny: :legit:

 

Damon.

Offline Colin

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2009, 12:33:23 PM »
I 'resemble' that name ;) and I would take out a contract on the b#stard :)

Offline Damon

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2 on: September 01, 2009, 02:29:58 PM »
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are

flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your plane!!'
___________________________________________________________________

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not

servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a

death trap!
___________________________________________________________________

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey!

Theres a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London !'

 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:

__________________________________________________________________________
Damon.

Offline Treehugga

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #3 on: September 01, 2009, 02:40:56 PM »

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

:2funny: man that cracked me up - thanks for making me smile!

Offline wendoureecat

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #4 on: September 02, 2009, 09:08:10 AM »
Lol the rich dont live in Darwin its too full of Crocodile Dundee wannabes  ;D

Offline Damon

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #5 on: September 03, 2009, 04:15:21 PM »

 

 
An American decided to write a book
about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took
a trip toOrlando, thinking that he would start by
working his way across the USA from South to North, then into Canada and on to the rest of the world.

On his first day he was inside a church
taking photographs when he noticed a
golden telephone mounted on the wall
with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued,
asked a priest who was strolling by what
the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line
to heaven and that for $10,000 you could
talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and
went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta.
There, at a very large cathedral,
he saw the same golden telephone with the
same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind
of telephone he saw in Orlando and he
asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line
to heaven and that for $10,000 he
could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled all across America ,
Europe, England , Japan , Australia .
In every church he saw the same
golden telephone with the same
'$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, decided to travel to
New Zealand to see if Kiwis had the same phone.

He arrived at Sunny Nelson in N.Z. and again, in the first church
he entered, there was the same golden
telephone, but this time the sign under
it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so
he asked the priest about the sign.
'Father, I've travelled all over the
world and I've seen this same golden
telephone in many churches. I'm told that it
is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them
price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered,
'You're in New Zealand now, son - it's a local call'.

 
 
 
 
 
Damon.

Offline Peter Jackson

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #6 on: September 04, 2009, 10:38:05 PM »
From what I hear, the bloke on the right is now one of the head developers for the PR site. :D

feature=related
Oh Lord, please help me to be the person that my dog thinks I am.

Offline oRGie

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #7 on: September 05, 2009, 12:53:02 AM »
 :2funny:

Offline John Doyle2

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #8 on: September 05, 2009, 01:10:22 AM »

An Old One!!
Canon Shooter.
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr..Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to………………
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and Me……..
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

Offline Sarasocke

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #9 on: September 05, 2009, 07:48:30 AM »
Thanks John !

A super start for the day !
Carol aka Sarasocke 
My Gallery

Offline Damon

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #10 on: September 05, 2009, 09:03:34 AM »
 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Damon.

Offline Damon

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #11 on: September 05, 2009, 09:16:11 AM »
Not Really a Joke ,this one.... But kinda nice so i thought you might like it...
CRANKY OLD MAN

 

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in country NSW, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through his meagre possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Melbourne. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.


Cranky Old Man

What do you see nurses? . .  . . .What do you see?
What are you thinking .. . . . . when you're looking at me?
A cranky old man, . . .  . ... .not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . . . with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food .. . .. . . . . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . . . . .. 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . .  . . .the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . . ... . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not .. . . . . . . . . . . lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding  . . . ... . .The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?  . . . . . .  Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . . you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am . . . . . . . As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . . . . . ... as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . . . . . . . with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .. . . . . . . . who love one another

A young boy of Sixteen . . . . . with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . . . .. ....... . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . . ....... . . my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows .. . . . . . that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . . . ... . ... . . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . . . . . . ... . .. My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . . . . . . With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons ..... . . . . have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me . . . . . . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, ...  . ....... . . .... ..Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . . ... . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me .  . . . . . .......   . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing . . . . . . young of their own.
And I think of the years . . .. . . . . And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man . . . . . . . . . and nature is cruel.
It's jest to make old age . . . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .. . . . ... . . . . . grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone .. . . . . .. . where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass .  . . .. A young man still dwells,
And now and again . . . .. . . . my battered heart swells
I remember the joys . .. . . . . . . . .. . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . .... . .. . . . . . . . . life over again.

I think of the years . all too few . . . . . . gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . . . . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . . . . . . . open and see.
Not a cranky old man .   Look closer . . . . see . . . . . ........ . ME!!


 
 
 
Damon.

Offline John Doyle2

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #12 on: September 05, 2009, 12:38:59 PM »
For all flashers
There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk – the ghost which `lived’ there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost “I mean no harm – I just want your photograph”. The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines – he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So what’s the moral of the story?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

Offline WCB

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #13 on: September 06, 2009, 08:45:16 PM »
I heard today that on average Gordon Brown receives 2 turds in the post each week.

All I want to know is.........................who is sending the other one?

Offline greypoint

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #14 on: September 06, 2009, 09:08:18 PM »
I heard today that on average Gordon Brown receives 2 turds in the post each week.

All I want to know is.........................who is sending the other one?

 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:

 

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