Camera Craniums

General Category => General Discussion => Topic started by: Damon on August 31, 2009, 09:02:49 AM

Title: Joke of the day
Post by: Damon on August 31, 2009, 09:02:49 AM

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
 
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and flirting..

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eatingcrocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has theballs to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing allkinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.

How about half a million bucks then?'
 
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.
 
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said,


'I want the b#stard who pushed me in.'   :2funny: :legit:

 

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Colin on August 31, 2009, 12:33:23 PM
I 'resemble' that name ;) and I would take out a contract on the b#stard :)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Damon on September 01, 2009, 02:29:58 PM
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are

flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your plane!!'
___________________________________________________________________

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not

servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a

death trap!
___________________________________________________________________

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey!

Theres a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London !'

 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:

__________________________________________________________________________
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Treehugga on September 01, 2009, 02:40:56 PM

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

:2funny: man that cracked me up - thanks for making me smile!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: wendoureecat on September 02, 2009, 09:08:10 AM
Lol the rich dont live in Darwin its too full of Crocodile Dundee wannabes  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Damon on September 03, 2009, 04:15:21 PM

 

 
An American decided to write a book
about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took
a trip toOrlando, thinking that he would start by
working his way across the USA from South to North, then into Canada and on to the rest of the world.

On his first day he was inside a church
taking photographs when he noticed a
golden telephone mounted on the wall
with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued,
asked a priest who was strolling by what
the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line
to heaven and that for $10,000 you could
talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and
went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta.
There, at a very large cathedral,
he saw the same golden telephone with the
same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind
of telephone he saw in Orlando and he
asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line
to heaven and that for $10,000 he
could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled all across America ,
Europe, England , Japan , Australia .
In every church he saw the same
golden telephone with the same
'$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, decided to travel to
New Zealand to see if Kiwis had the same phone.

He arrived at Sunny Nelson in N.Z. and again, in the first church
he entered, there was the same golden
telephone, but this time the sign under
it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so
he asked the priest about the sign.
'Father, I've travelled all over the
world and I've seen this same golden
telephone in many churches. I'm told that it
is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them
price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered,
'You're in New Zealand now, son - it's a local call'.

 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Peter Jackson on September 04, 2009, 10:38:05 PM
From what I hear, the bloke on the right is now one of the head developers for the PR site. :D

feature=related
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: oRGie on September 05, 2009, 12:53:02 AM
 :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on September 05, 2009, 01:10:22 AM

An Old One!!
Canon Shooter.
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr..Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to………………
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and Me……..
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Sarasocke on September 05, 2009, 07:48:30 AM
Thanks John !

A super start for the day !
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Damon on September 05, 2009, 09:03:34 AM
 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Damon on September 05, 2009, 09:16:11 AM
Not Really a Joke ,this one.... But kinda nice so i thought you might like it...
CRANKY OLD MAN

 

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in country NSW, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through his meagre possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Melbourne. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.


Cranky Old Man

What do you see nurses? . .  . . .What do you see?
What are you thinking .. . . . . when you're looking at me?
A cranky old man, . . .  . ... .not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . . . with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food .. . .. . . . . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . . . . .. 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . .  . . .the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . . ... . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not .. . . . . . . . . . . lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding  . . . ... . .The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?  . . . . . .  Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . . you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am . . . . . . . As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . . . . . ... as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . . . . . . . with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .. . . . . . . . who love one another

A young boy of Sixteen . . . . . with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . . . .. ....... . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . . ....... . . my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows .. . . . . . that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . . . ... . ... . . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . . . . . . ... . .. My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . . . . . . With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons ..... . . . . have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me . . . . . . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, ...  . ....... . . .... ..Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . . ... . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me .  . . . . . .......   . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing . . . . . . young of their own.
And I think of the years . . .. . . . . And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man . . . . . . . . . and nature is cruel.
It's jest to make old age . . . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .. . . . ... . . . . . grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone .. . . . . .. . where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass .  . . .. A young man still dwells,
And now and again . . . .. . . . my battered heart swells
I remember the joys . .. . . . . . . . .. . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . .... . .. . . . . . . . . life over again.

I think of the years . all too few . . . . . . gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . . . . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . . . . . . . open and see.
Not a cranky old man .   Look closer . . . . see . . . . . ........ . ME!!


 
 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on September 05, 2009, 12:38:59 PM
For all flashers
There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk – the ghost which `lived’ there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost “I mean no harm – I just want your photograph”. The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines – he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So what’s the moral of the story?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: WCB on September 06, 2009, 08:45:16 PM
I heard today that on average Gordon Brown receives 2 turds in the post each week.

All I want to know is.........................who is sending the other one?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: greypoint on September 06, 2009, 09:08:18 PM
I heard today that on average Gordon Brown receives 2 turds in the post each week.

All I want to know is.........................who is sending the other one?

 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on September 06, 2009, 10:00:39 PM
And for your photo competions :-
St Peter and Lucifer were at the gates admiring the clouds when the subject got onto photography. They couldn't agree whether Heaven or Hell had the best photographers so they decided to arrange a photo contest.

St Peter rubbed his hands with glee and Lucifer demanded to know why he was looking so smug. "Well," said St Peter, "in Heaven we have all the best photographers"

Lucifer slowly raised his head, grinned and replied "Ah, but we have all the judges
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Damon on September 07, 2009, 10:18:49 PM
BBQ RULES
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on September 08, 2009, 06:16:46 AM

Cool one ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: magicrhodes on September 08, 2009, 10:21:36 AM
A man walks into a bar and notices cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling, all the other guests seem ok with this so he has a drink. After a couple of pints  :beer: :beer: :beer: he decides to speak to the barman about this. The barman says that it is a competion; if he can jump up and pull one cut down using only his teeth then everyone in the bar must buy him a beer however if he fails he must buy everyone in the pub a beer. Our hero looks up at the ceiling for a few seconds and the barman says "so what's it gonna be then" Our man replies "I'd love to but the steaks are too high!" :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: greypoint on September 08, 2009, 10:32:40 AM
We really need a groan smiley! :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on September 08, 2009, 06:39:47 PM
For Air Travellers.

Irate passenger
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being

smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who

probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United flight was cancelled.  A

single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket

down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be

FIRST CLASS."  The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help

you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to

work something out."  The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that

the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address

microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing

throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT

KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the

gate."  With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man

glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have

to stand in line for that, too."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bones615 on September 08, 2009, 07:41:40 PM
IT vs. Management


A man in a hot air balloon, realizing he was lost,
reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended
further and shouted to the lady "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am"

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between
59 and 60 degrees west longitude."


"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.


"Actually I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is
technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your
information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've
not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know
where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where
you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a
promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect
people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you
are in exactly the same position you were in before we met,
but now, somehow, it's my bloody fault..."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Damon on September 08, 2009, 07:46:19 PM
Superb............ :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bones615 on September 08, 2009, 07:58:29 PM
>A teacher gave her class an assignment: to get their parents to tell

>them a story with a moral at the end of it.

>

>The next day the children came back and one by one they began to tell

>their stories.

>

>Ashley said, "My father is a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.

>One day we were taking the eggs to market in a basket which was on the

>front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the

>eggs fell out of the basket and broke."

>

>What is the moral of the story? Asked the teacher. "Don’t put all your

>eggs in one basket!

>

>Very good said the teacher.

>

>Next Sarah raised her hand and said" Our family Are also farmers and we

>keep chickens for meat. One day we had a dozen eggs but when they

>hatched there were only ten chicks. The moral of the story is don’t

>count your chickens before they hatch"

>

>Martin then said that he had a story that his father told him about

>auntie Sharon.

>

>Auntie Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane during the Gulf War and

>her plane got hit and she had to bail out. All she had was a bottle of

>whisky an A.K. 47 and a knife. On the way down she drank the whisky in

>case she broke the bottle. She landed in the middle of 100 enemy

>soldiers. She killed seventy with the gun which then ran out of

>bullets, twenty with the knife when the blade broke and the last ten with the empty bottle.

>

>" Good heavens" said the teacher "What did your father say was the

>moral to that story?

>

>Stay the F*** away from Aunt Sharon when she’s been drinking.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on September 09, 2009, 01:48:07 AM
Another travelling one.

 A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in
the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The
bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's
too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the
Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being
cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we
can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss
the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bones615 on September 09, 2009, 08:28:57 PM
Showering

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



How To Shower Like a Man



Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican..

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on September 09, 2009, 10:56:17 PM

Why I Fired My Secretary

I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,
"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and
shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big
kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and
there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So
I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,
she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they
will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying
my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,
yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to
miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.


When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile
and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some
coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.


Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since
it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make
me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and
since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have
lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of
town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a
nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't
we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good
idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her
apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you
will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she
left the room.


In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big
birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with
nothing on but my socks.
  :o
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on September 10, 2009, 12:23:45 AM
John Doyle2 -  :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Damon on September 10, 2009, 07:25:19 AM
These are briliant.......... :tup: :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: magicrhodes on September 10, 2009, 09:11:29 AM
G A H T S]

That's bang out of order that is!  >:( >:( >:(
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on September 10, 2009, 11:58:24 AM
My apology for having offended you! I had no intention of been offensive to anyone!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: magicrhodes on September 10, 2009, 02:09:20 PM
My apology for having offended you! I had no intention of been offensive to anyone!

Errm hope you are not referring to me, thought your joke was great.

If you are referring to my post, read it again and you'll notice that the letters are not in alphabetical order, hence bang out of order!  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Damon on September 10, 2009, 03:20:12 PM
Sorry if i`m being a bit thick here. but you`ve completely lost me  ???
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: magicrhodes on September 10, 2009, 03:31:44 PM
I'm going to go home and read my joke and will do better tomorrow.... am. off. now. :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Alfonso_Frisk on September 10, 2009, 09:10:07 PM
Sorry if i`m being a bit thick here. but you`ve completely lost me  ???

And me
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mick on September 10, 2009, 09:14:37 PM
I'm going to go home and read my joke and will do better tomorrow.... am. off. now. :legit:

 :D  Now if it was GBNA = BANG out of order  I'd get it.   :o
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: magicrhodes on September 10, 2009, 09:19:31 PM
I'm going to go home and read my joke and will do better tomorrow.... am. off. now. :legit:

 :D  Now if it was GBNA = BANG out of order  I'd get it.   :o

You are quite right, like the man in orthopedic shoes I stand corrected!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on September 12, 2009, 01:02:23 AM
A simple one!

A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to
cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so
thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him
to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to
rent a plane and take photos from the air.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.
He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!'' The pilot swung
the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the
air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low
passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded,
"and photographers take photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean
you're not the flight instructor?"
 :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Damon on September 12, 2009, 08:37:30 AM
I'm going to go home and read my joke and will do better tomorrow.... am. off. now. :legit:

 :D  Now if it was GBNA = BANG out of order  I'd get it.   :o

Well done Mick, Glad someone`s switched on.  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on September 12, 2009, 09:20:03 AM
One for the weekend.
("Bird" is an English Term equivalent to "Chick", and "tight" is
   equivalent to "cheap")
   You never would have guessed that, right?
   
   This bloke walks into a bar with an ostrich and cat. They all sit down
   at a table and the man goes to the bar and says, "A pint of Bitter for
   myself, a Gin &Tonic for the ostrich and a Scotch for the cat".
   
   The Barman is a little perplexed but serves the drinks anyway.
   
   Sometime later the ostrich goes to the bar and says, "A G&T for
   myself, a pint of bitter for the guv'nor and a whisky for the cat."
   
   The barman is even more bemused but still serves the drinks.
   
   This goes on all evening with the man and the ostrich alternately
   buying rounds of drinks, but the cat never does. By the end of the
   evening the barman asks the man, "Look, whats the story? I have to
   know, why do you have an ostrich and a cat? And how come the cat never
   buys a round?"
   
   "Well it's quite a story," says the man. "I was walking down the road
   one day when I found a bottle. I uncorked this bottle and Genie came
   out and said, `Oh thank you for releasing me, oh Master, what is your
   heart's desire? Tell me and it shall be yours.'
   
   "So I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bones615 on September 12, 2009, 09:30:49 AM
Jokes for the blokes (one for the girls to follow)

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.  

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.


Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bones615 on September 12, 2009, 09:34:34 AM
Jokes for the girls

The Why's of Men

 

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

 

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

 

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)



5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
 (don't know......it never happened) 

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)





A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.  AMEN
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Damon on September 12, 2009, 06:18:30 PM
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in  Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'

The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.

'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !'

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, 'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'
Title: Pocket Tazer Stun Gun
Post by: WCB on September 12, 2009, 07:42:43 PM
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun - a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this to the group:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to a place of safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! !

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what those burn spots are on the front of the microwave oven.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong here? Who would not think that?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would just be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best....?

 
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...........................

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD .. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room like a fish on a river bank.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. And a three second burst would be considered conservative?  Sweet Jesus.

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel over the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling from one corner of my mouth which was hanging down like a lifeless,  torn curtain.

Apparently I also pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!
Title: Don't I know you?
Post by: WCB on September 12, 2009, 07:45:41 PM
A man goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive young woman waving at him.  

She says “Hello”

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from but she does look vaguely familiar.

So rather surprised and more than a little pleased, he asks, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, so he asks, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery sticks?”

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Spiritflier on September 13, 2009, 12:31:44 PM
The tazer one's an oldie but definitely a goodie!  ;D

Here's another one from a few years back...

How to Give a Cat A Bath

Some people suffer from the misconception that cats don’t need a bath. They think that somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some biological agent in their saliva that resembles Persil.

Cats, like their nemesis the dog, do get dirty and have a variety of odours from smelling like the bunkhouse where you camped last year to the same odour as your dog's breath. (Remember! Your dog will try to eat anything.)

Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease the process of a bath is out of the question.

So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to bathtub with lies and a trail of Bonios and Doggie Chocs. Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you... You have the advantage of size, strength and the ability to wear protective garments.

1. First, dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.

2. A bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.

3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and a towel in the enclosed bathtub area beforehand. Blow drying the cat after the bath is NOT an option.
 
4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the bath.

5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire, the cat barely notices you anyway.
 
6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom speed is essential. In one single fluid motion shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of it is above the water line.

You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life!

Please try to remember that cats have no handles and it now has soapy fur. Its state of shock has worn off and it's madder than a box of ferrets.

7. As best you can wearing welder's gloves, try to field its body as it catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with its body now fully exposed.

8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto the cat, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As it slides down the glass enclosure into the tub, it’ll fall back into the water, rinsing itself in the process
 
9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will eventually realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt to latch onto the first available part of you.

10. Next, the cat must be dried. No... this is NOT the easiest part! By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat, reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.

11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, it’ll be in a much better position for wrapping in a towel.

12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in the towel before opening the shower enclosure. Open bathroom door, put the towel-wrapped cat on the floor and step back quickly - into the tub if possible, and do NOT open the shower door until all you can see is the shredded towel.

13. In about 2 hours it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting its revenge.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Damon on September 14, 2009, 06:59:08 PM
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, Time for you to retire."

 The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens, Look what it has done to me! Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
 
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I'm taking over."
 
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
 
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast! The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."
 
Moral of the story?

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Beryl on September 14, 2009, 07:31:04 PM
joke du jour

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house,
he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do?
"Feed them to the lions", he says to himself, "because lions eat anything." He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts he is attacked and stung by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?" The other lion turns round and says,

Absolutely brilliant. Today we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Peter Jackson on September 14, 2009, 10:26:50 PM
Apologies for my self indulgence, born in Germany, this one still makes me smile every time I see it.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1365353836237246497#

I know some Germans don't quite get it, but I really wish they would!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: spinner on September 14, 2009, 11:12:54 PM
Damon reminded me of this one.

Two bulls standing on the hill. Old bull and Young bull.

Down in the pasture is a herd of cows.

Young bull says to the old bull.

Come on Dad, lets run down there and f*** us a cow.!!

Old bull says

Hold on son, how about we walk down there .....



and f*** them all.  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Hinfrance on September 15, 2009, 08:56:43 AM
Apologies for my self indulgence, born in Germany, this one still makes me smile every time I see it.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1365353836237246497#

I know some Germans don't quite get it, but I really wish they would!!



I really like this one - our little girl is bi-lingual but her French is better than her English as she tends to lisp a little in the latter - so I shall be playing this for her when she gets home from school today.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bones615 on September 15, 2009, 02:42:27 PM
BEST QUOTE OF 2009...BRAVO FOR SHERIFF JUDD.
Gotta admire the man for being honest .......




 
An illegal alien in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine
traffic stop ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him.
The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at
close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A state wide manhunt ensued.
 
The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun.
After he shot at them, SWAT team officers open fired and hit the guy 68 times.
 
Now here's the kicker:
 
Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they shot the
poor undocumented immigrant 68 times.
 
Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel:
Talk about an all-time classic answer.

 


'Because that's all the ammunition we had.'

 
Title: F1 News
Post by: WCB on September 17, 2009, 07:38:16 AM
When interviewed recently Nelson Piquet Jr said his favourite film of all time was "Crash" and both Flavio Briatore and Pat Symonds voted unreservedly for "Liar, Liar"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on September 18, 2009, 10:39:54 AM
For Sherlock Fans.

 Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had
gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.
Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What
does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: picsfor on September 18, 2009, 11:36:59 AM
Apologies for my self indulgence, born in Germany, this one still makes me smile every time I see it.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1365353836237246497#

I know some Germans don't quite get it, but I really wish they would!!

Brilliant isn't it. Laugh my socks off every time i see it - even after several years.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jimthetrain on September 18, 2009, 03:00:27 PM
A pony asks a barman in a very quiet voice for a drink. You will have to speak louder than that replied the barman. Sorry said the pony but I'm a little hoarse. :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Damon on September 18, 2009, 06:48:02 PM
 


The Funeral Procession  



A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.

''What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'

 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Damon on September 18, 2009, 06:58:53 PM
http://www.tagtele.com/v/11924

Warning! Contains nakedness & country music. All good in my book.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bones615 on September 19, 2009, 08:40:07 AM
Take a deep breath before looking

SECONDS before Death (CHILLING). 

WARNING!

GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO.

THIS IS A PICTURE  OF A MAN
WITH JUST SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE 

FRIGHTENING!!!!!

NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED !! 

 

 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: greypoint on September 19, 2009, 11:05:31 AM
 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on September 19, 2009, 05:37:10 PM
I hope this joke will not offend.

Why Jim Smith Lost His First Love

Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and
after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department
store and bought a pair of white gloves.  The sister purchased a pair
of panties for herself.  During the wrapping, the items got mixed up.
(The sweetheart got the panties.)  Without checking the contents, Jim
sealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note.

Dearest Darling,

This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas.
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening.  If it had not been for your younger
Sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears
the short ones that are easy to remove.  These are a delicate shade, but
the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three
Weeks and they were hardly soiled.  I had the sales girl try them on and
She really looked smart.  I wish I could put them on you the first time.
No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have
the chance to see you again.  When you take them off blow in them before
Putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink.  I hope
You like them and will wear them for me next Friday night.
               
                                           All My Love,
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jimthetrain on September 19, 2009, 08:26:58 PM
Keith Floyds cremation is this week. Gas mark 6 for 1/2 an hour. :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on September 19, 2009, 08:58:30 PM
Keith Floyds cremation is this week. Gas mark 6 for 1/2 an hour. :legit:

Is that with or without dressing?  :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on September 19, 2009, 11:14:13 PM
Keith Floyds cremation is this week. Gas mark 6 for 1/2 an hour.
I wouldn’t want to be anywhere in the vicinity, the explosion could be catastrophic  ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on September 20, 2009, 05:42:40 PM
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary
for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor
informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 P word, she
pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read 'Fred Brown
died'."

Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there is a
7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on
her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up
for sale'."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bones615 on September 21, 2009, 03:35:23 PM



A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.”

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on September 22, 2009, 12:20:31 AM
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local
church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem--my husband keeps
falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should
I do?"
   "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I
will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to
you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the
leg."
   In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the
preacher put his plan to work. "And who lay made the ultimate sacrifice
for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
 "Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
 "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.
 Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.
 "God!" Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
 "Right again," said the minister, smiling.
  Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister
did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with
the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him
his last son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned
thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your A**!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Damon on September 22, 2009, 06:36:14 PM
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, All I asked was "how are you getting on?"


Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby” Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"


A Hill-billy girl sent an email to an agony Aunt "I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer?"


My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw! It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio 


Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its boll**ks!! 


They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk rubbish and can't drive!


Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick b**tard"


A mate of mine has just told me he's dating his girlfriend and her twin, I said how you can tell them apart; he said "her brothers got a moustache!"
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on September 22, 2009, 10:24:24 PM
Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital),
 and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went
 well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was
 reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
 
 "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently
 patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to
 pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
 
 "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
 
 "Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
 
 "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
 
 "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned
 sternly.
 
 "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a
 humble spinster nun."
 
 "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters -
 they are married to God."
 
 "Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send
 the bill to my brother-in-law."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: greypoint on September 23, 2009, 01:21:26 PM
Gordon Brown received an award in America for being Statesman of the Year :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: magicrhodes on September 23, 2009, 03:04:17 PM
Gordon Brown received an award in America for being Statesman of the Year :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:

And to think they say Americans don't get irony!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Damon on September 23, 2009, 07:36:53 PM
 Doctor JOHN had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
 No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
 The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
 But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:
 "JOHN, don't worry about it.
 You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
 And you're single, Just let it go."
 But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality Whispering.....
 
 JOHN..........
 
 JOHN..........
 
 JOHN..........
 
 JOHN..........
 
 JOHN..........

 JOHN..........


 
 ............. you're a vet. :o
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jinky on September 24, 2009, 08:04:15 AM
 Oh Damon!
Another vet joke

A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.

The professor tells the class “In Veterinary Medicine, there are two qualities you must possess as a doctor – the first of which is a strong stomach. You cannot, under any circumstance, be disgusted by anything involving an animal’s body.”
For example, the Professor pulls back the sheet and sticks his finger right up the dead cow’s butt, pulls out his finger and sticks it in his mouth. The students just standthere, paralyzed at what they see. “Now, go ahead and do the same thing, each of you,” the professor says.

Freaked out, the students take several minutes but eventually take turns sticking their fingers up into the anal cavity of the dead cow, and then sucking on them. Once everyone is finished, the Professor continues on with his lesson… “Now, the second important quality you must possess is a keen observation. You see, I stuck in my middle finger up the cow’s butt, and I sucked on my index finger… Now, learn to pay attention.”
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Damon on September 25, 2009, 07:27:06 PM
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the
backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador
retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting
in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog
would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But
the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and
was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies,
and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh*t
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Alfonso_Frisk on September 26, 2009, 01:43:41 PM
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears.  'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.'


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Carlj on September 26, 2009, 11:55:44 PM
Enjoy!

http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/ (http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on September 27, 2009, 01:02:17 AM
Enjoy!

http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/ (http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/)

Thanks carlj but to many to read them all. I liked the ski theft one best - rough Justis indeed!  ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: spinner on September 27, 2009, 12:10:19 PM
Thanks for the memories Carl. I was actually at this one.

http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin1996-03.html
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Damon on September 28, 2009, 03:47:23 PM
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS
AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL


THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS
AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST
TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING
TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD
MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU
KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE
TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS
A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON
THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE
FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TAKIN MY
TEETH WITH HER.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on September 28, 2009, 09:20:31 PM

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day
of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did
it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that
you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls
testicles from the bull fight this morning.  A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on
vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that
evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. 
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called
to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much
smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the
bull wins."
:D

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: michaelb104 on September 29, 2009, 12:12:13 PM
IT vs. Management


A man in a hot air balloon, realizing he was lost,
reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended
further and shouted to the lady "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am"

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between
59 and 60 degrees west longitude."


"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.


"Actually I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is
technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your
information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've
not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know
where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where
you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a
promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect
people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you
are in exactly the same position you were in before we met,
but now, somehow, it's my bloody fault..."


 :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on September 29, 2009, 05:31:13 PM


  Doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a
rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.

Realising his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and
said, "Well that's great, just great... some assh**e's got my pen."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: anglefire on September 29, 2009, 08:48:05 PM
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,
And during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?


'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.


Jane explained to him what sex was.


Tarzan said 'Ah ....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'


Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show
you how to do it properly..'


She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.


'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'


Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!


Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.


Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that
for?'


Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: anglefire on September 30, 2009, 07:29:15 PM
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on September 30, 2009, 09:46:41 PM
TWO NUNS AND A BLIND MAN

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother
Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring
about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their
habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the
nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each
other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room,
they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on October 01, 2009, 09:55:17 PM
Next one:
The Barber Shop

   This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before
   I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says,
   "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
   A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
   "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop
   full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
   A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How
   long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and
   says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.
   The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill,
   follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes
   back into the shop laughing hysterically.
   The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
   Bill looked up and said,  ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Jonathan on October 02, 2009, 08:42:26 AM
For anybody who knows about graphic design.  Or working for any kind of customer really.


(YouTube vid with lots of swearing....)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Graham on October 02, 2009, 06:21:27 PM
For anybody who knows about graphic design.  Or working for any kind of customer really.


(YouTube vid with lots of swearing....)
     Thanks for that Jonathan. I just love a bit of gratuitous swearing of a Friday evening! :2funny:
                                  Graham. :)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: anglefire on October 03, 2009, 02:51:32 PM
 12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio   
 


1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria.  I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there.  They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Graham on October 03, 2009, 03:37:04 PM
   Very good Mark, but how could you miss off Brian Johnson's  "The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey."? :2funny:
                 Graham. :)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bones615 on October 03, 2009, 04:39:55 PM
Brilliant Mark, Ive just sent it to all my mates.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jinky on October 03, 2009, 07:04:19 PM
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.'
 
       Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
 
       The agent asked, 'What's your name?'
 
        The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'
 
       The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name..'
 
       'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old,  I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'
 
        The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years....you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like that. I'm telling   you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'
 
       'So be it!  I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office.
 
       FIVE YEARS LATER... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
 
       Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
 
        'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what   you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.
 
       Thank you for your advice.
 
       Sincerely,
 
       Dick van Dyke
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on October 03, 2009, 11:36:30 PM
Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell.
She immediately called Saint Peter and said,

"This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!"

She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on
it. The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him
again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged.

"There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone *must* attend!"

"Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away."

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning
Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up
the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen.

He heard the following, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Jonathan on October 05, 2009, 09:55:22 AM
For all those who think criminals have it too easy.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: nickt on October 05, 2009, 12:30:21 PM
I like the woman putting the boot in! 
Nick
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: magicrhodes on October 05, 2009, 02:42:33 PM
   Very good Mark, but how could you miss off Brian Johnson's  "The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey."? :2funny:
                 Graham. :)[/quote
My personal Johnners quote was about an off-balance Botham after a huge sweep swings round takes out the stumps with his leg for Johnners to say "he couldn't quite get his leg over there!" and then the whole TMS team descend into hilarity. Rumour has it that he was mortified and nearly quit!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Damon on October 05, 2009, 03:49:46 PM
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5 Kg Weight loss program. 

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a

Voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of

Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 Kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 Kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She i s wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent

shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 Kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 20 Kg program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most

Rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in

Years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'


 

He lost 35 Kg that week!! 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bones615 on October 06, 2009, 05:33:48 PM
 The

  Power of Alcohol


 


  A man is waiting for his wife to give

  birth.  The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born

  without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!  But the dad loves

  his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.


 


  After 21 years, the son is now old enough

  for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is

  proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.  With

  all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head

  in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.


 


  Swoooosh!  Plop!  A torso pops

  out!  The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy.  The

  father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.  The patrons chant,

  "Take another drink!"


 


  The bartender continues to shake his head

  in dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!  Two arms pop out.


 


  The bar goes wild.  The father, crying

  and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take

  another drink!  Take another drink!"


   The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing

  glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.


 


  By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with

  his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

   Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out.  The bar is in chaos.


 


  The father falls to his knees and tearfully

  thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then

  staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck

  runs over him and kills him instantly.  The bar falls silent.


 


  The father moans in grief. The bartender

  sighs and says,



He should've quit while he was a head!"     
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: anglefire on October 10, 2009, 08:03:50 AM
Its an old un...

Irish Girl






An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily. 'where have ye been all this time, child? why did ye not write to us, not even a line? why didn't ye call? can ye not understand what ye put yer old mother thru? '

The girl, crying, replied, ' sniff, sniff.. dad .. I became a prostitute... '

'Ye what!!? out of here, ye shameless harlot! sinner! you're a disgrace to this catholic family.

'OK, dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex, and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club .. (takes a breath) .. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera . '

'Now what was it ye said ye had become? ' says dad.

Girl, crying again, ' sniff, sniff.. a prostitute daddy! sniff, sniff. '

'Oh! Faith and begorrah girl, ye scared me half to death!!, I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old dad a hug.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on October 12, 2009, 12:52:42 AM
An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a
living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000.
The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back
home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed the
older man a $50 bill.
The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know
I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it
on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license to
legally marry your Ma."
"Pa!" the young man stammered, "do you know what that makes me?"
"Yep," said the old man fingering the $50, "... and a cheap one, too.


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: hevans on October 12, 2009, 08:25:55 AM
for those of you contemplating the tradiational Autumnal scenes:

(http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fall_foliage.png) (http://xkcd.com/648/)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: DaveB on October 13, 2009, 01:50:00 PM
Hugh that's a cracker I love it.
Here's a Youtube vid I always find funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCwKbUVyHLY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCwKbUVyHLY)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Damon on October 19, 2009, 07:16:54 PM
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....

You want........Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?'   
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Damon on October 19, 2009, 07:23:05 PM
How a marriage works 


All men should read  this!!!

A newlywed couple  had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old  buddies.

So, he said to  his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are  you going, honey bunch?' asked the  wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm  going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a  beer, my love?'

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer  brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland ,   Japan , India ,  etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly  pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to  finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by  saying,
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She  took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that  she was  getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but  at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really  delicious... I won't be long, I'll be  right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres,  poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of  different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in  blankets, mushroom caps,pork  strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey.... At the bar... You  know...there's swearing, dirty words and  all that....'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead?  Drink your f***ing beer in your  Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing  snacks, because you are Married now, and you  aren't f***ing going anywhere!   Got it, A**hole?'

so he stayed  home....................and, they lived happily ever  after.


Now,  isn't that a sweet  story? 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Damon on October 20, 2009, 07:18:19 PM
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE 
What  is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What  is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover  ?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why  is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it. 

What  do you call a smart  blonde?
A golden retriever.

What  do lawyers use for birth control? 
Their personalities..

What's  the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 
20 kgs. 

What's  the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 
45 minutes.

What's  the fastest way to a man's heart? 
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? 
Because those men already have boyfriends. 

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the  dog is still excited to see you. 

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. 

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest  boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.. 

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? 
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. 

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? 
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? 
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F..... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! 

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time..'  A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...' 

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Alfonso_Frisk on October 21, 2009, 08:32:12 PM
A blonde was "dispatched" to Heaven.

On arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we've been forced to devise an entrance exam for new arrivals, to ease the burden on Heavenly Arrivals.'

That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of'?

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is - which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?

The second is - 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is - 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave the three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

          'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that the answer was indeed correct.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second question?'

St Peter went on, 'How many seconds in a year?'

The blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said,

'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision' and he walked away shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.

'I'll allow the answer to stand, But you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.

Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited 'til his billy boiled.'

..... the blonde entered Heaven
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Damon on October 23, 2009, 06:49:00 PM
Red tape, ho!

>
> Nelson - Good ol' Blighty!!!
>
> Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
>
> Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
>
> Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
> meaning of this?"
>
> Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
>
> Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or
> her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
> persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
>
> Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
> opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting
> 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
>
> Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
>
> Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
> smoke-free working environments."
>
> Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
> mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
>
> Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
> Government's policy on binge drinking."
>
> Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it.
> Full speed ahead."
>
> Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knots speed limit in
> this stretch of water."
>
> Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle
> in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the
> crow's nest please."
>
> Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
>
> Nelson: "What?"
>
> Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
> harness and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They
> won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
>
> Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
>
> Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle
> Admiral."
>
> Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
>
> Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
> barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
>
> Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I
> refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank
> of admiral by playing the disability card."
>
> Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented
> in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
>
> Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
>
> Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
> let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
> anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
>
> Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
> the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
>
> Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
>
> Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
>
> Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
> charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple
> of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
>
> Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
>
> Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
>
> Nelson: "We're not?"
>
> Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European
> partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't
> even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
> compensation."
>
> Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
>
> Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
> saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
>
> Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of
> your King."
>
> Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this
> multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It
> could save your life"
>
> Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to
> rum, sodomy and the lash?"
>
> Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban
> on corporal punishment."
>
> Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
>
> Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
>
> Nelson: "In that case................................ kiss me, Hardy
>
> AND SADLY THAT JUST ABOUT SUMS IT ALL UP !!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Damon on October 23, 2009, 06:51:19 PM
HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said, 
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill?    We're not interested.'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.    We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal?   We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Not commit adultery?   We're not interested.' 

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments.'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

There, that should offend just about everybody.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Damon on October 23, 2009, 06:57:16 PM
This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one! Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!!

=================================  


Tech support:What kind of computer do you have?


Female customer:A white one...


=============== 


Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....


===============


Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


===============


Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.


===============


Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


============== =


Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.


===============


Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.


===============


Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...


===============


Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?


== =============


Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.


===============


Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


===============


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


===============


Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


===============


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."


===============


And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P"....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on October 23, 2009, 11:13:09 PM
I had a similar thing once when I was covering Network support, had a phone call from a woman about her printer not working. Asked if it was switched on and the light was on. 'Yes', she said and added, 'it was working this morning'. I said I pop over and have a look which required me leaving my building crossing a couple of roads and going into her building. Asked her which printer it was and she showed me adding, 'It was OK this morning but hasn't worked since I changed the ribbon'. A quick look confirmed she hadn't put the lever down, which locks the ribbon in place, thus preventing the top of the printer been fully closed and making the safety switch contact connect so the printer would work. It took me three seconds to do, and these are well educated people! If she had told me that she had changed the ribbon, on the original call, I would have suggested that in the first place.  :doh:

Another time someone phone up saying they were missing a report from the overnight batch updates, which we printed and sent to the various departments. I told her we would print one, which was about three hundred pages, and bring straight down to here desk. Took the print to her and she took it off me and put in a blue bag, which is used for confidential waste. Questioned why she asked for the report to be printed if she didn't want it? Her reply was, 'It's on my list'!  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: spinner on October 26, 2009, 01:46:45 AM
A quick look confirmed she hadn't put the lever down, which locks the ribbon in place, thus preventing the top of the printer been fully closed and making the safety switch contact connect so the printer would work. It took me three seconds to do, and these are well educated people! If she had told me that she had changed the ribbon, on the original call, I would have suggested that in the first place. 

A printer with a ribbon? You are ancient. :2funny: :legit:












Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on October 26, 2009, 04:44:19 AM
A quick look confirmed she hadn't put the lever down, which locks the ribbon in place, thus preventing the top of the printer been fully closed and making the safety switch contact connect so the printer would work. It took me three seconds to do, and these are well educated people! If she had told me that she had changed the ribbon, on the original call, I would have suggested that in the first place.  

A printer with a ribbon? You are ancient. :2funny: :legit:


It was a few years back before PC's took over, when you only had dumb terminals and line printers linked to the mainframe.  :tup:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABERS on October 26, 2009, 08:07:39 AM
Beware you youngsters! 8)

STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this story? ... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: magicrhodes on October 26, 2009, 09:53:02 AM
This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one! Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!!
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

Acutally I have sympathy for this one. There has been many a printer, hard drive, camera etc which Windows has been unable to find and I have ended up shouting "it's bloody there next you you heap of crap." At this point I'd insert a youtube clip of a guy photocopying his monitor because the printer won't work but I can't because youtube is banned here  >:( :'(
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: picsfor on October 26, 2009, 10:05:23 AM
More I.T. Support Calls:

Client: I've been sat here for 45 minutes and no one has come to my aid
Tech Support: I don't seem to have a call logged for you who did you speak to?
Client: I didn't speak to any one - i just pressed F1 for help!

Client: All of the icons and writing on my screen are really large and i have to scroll up and down and across my screen to reach everything. THe guy next door doesn't ahve that problem.
Tech Support: Ah - i think you're screen settings are wrong. WE can fix this with a few clicks of the mouse. Can you click on your right mouse button?
Silence
Tech Support: Hello - are you still there?
Client: For the 'lay person' how do i know which is the right mouse button (this client was an IT recruitment consultant :-)   )

Client: I have an English Keyboard but i need to write in Flemish and French...

And Finally:

Client: I've been away and was not able to change my password at the start of the month - can you help?
Tech Support: Certainly - i'll reset to a new password for you - what would you like for anew password?
Client: September is the 9th month isn't it?
Tech Support: Yes
Clinet: OK - you'll need to make it 'techsupportarecrap9'

Never has being 'professional' been so painful  >:(  :-X
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: hevans on October 26, 2009, 10:39:52 AM
...
Tech Support: Ah - i think you're screen settings are wrong. WE can fix this with a few clicks of the mouse. Can you click on your right mouse button?
Silence
Tech Support: Hello - are you still there?
Client: For the 'lay person' how do i know which is the right mouse button (this client was an IT recruitment consultant :-)   )

I can understand this being confusing for mac users...  ::).

But, I did have a colleague years back that liked to use the mouse upside down. So, if you said right click, he'd left click...

Client: I have an English Keyboard but i need to write in Flemish and French...
To be honest, this isn't such a stupid question. There are a host of additional characters required to write in French (à,ô,é,è,ç...) and in Flemish there's the ÿ, etc. So, using the standard US/UK keyboard, how do you write these characters? Similarly, how do I get the "£" sign from a standard US keyboard, not to mention the "€" sign.?

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: picsfor on October 26, 2009, 11:05:00 AM
...
Tech Support: Ah - i think you're screen settings are wrong. WE can fix this with a few clicks of the mouse. Can you click on your right mouse button?
Silence
Tech Support: Hello - are you still there?
Client: For the 'lay person' how do i know which is the right mouse button (this client was an IT recruitment consultant :-)   )

I can understand this being confusing for mac users...  ::).

"This was when i worked with PC's  :)"

Client: I have an English Keyboard but i need to write in Flemish and French...
To be honest, this isn't such a stupid question. There are a host of additional characters required to write in French (à,ô,é,è,ç...) and in Flemish there's the ÿ, etc. So, using the standard US/UK keyboard, how do you write these characters? Similarly, how do I get the "£" sign from a standard US keyboard, not to mention the "€" sign.?

Now you're just missing the point!  ???
This was for a company that supported a global market and they had selection of computers with English/ UK keyboards and European Keyboards. We'd configured the mutli lingual aspect of Office to over come keyboard deficiencies where not enough European Keyboards were available whilst providing staff with multi lingual spell checking. Enjoy the humour - you know as well as i do that you've had calls that have had you putting the client on hold whilst you bring yourself under control  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: hevans on October 26, 2009, 11:15:27 AM

Now you're just missing the point!  ???

No, I didn't miss the point, but I can empathise with the user not having been trained in how to insert the language specific characters from a UK/US keyboard.

But, we digress. For amusement, read through this archive:
http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard_Indexes.html (http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard_Indexes.html)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jinky on October 27, 2009, 02:26:08 PM
A blokes in hospital having a stomach hernia operation. During the operation he wakes up and says " What are you doing?" to the surgeon. "Just closing up sir - 2 minutes " he says. Half drugged the patient says  "No you`re not - I`ll do it".
"OK suture self " says the surgeon.

And
Doctor was doing his rounds with his students and came to a man with leg problems. "Mr Brown here walks with a limp due due to severe degenerative arthritis in his right knee. What would you do in this case?" he says to one of the students. After thinking for a minute the student says:
"I`d probably walk with a limp too".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: krennon on October 29, 2009, 12:06:24 PM
OK Snopes confirms this isn't true...but having worked in customer service for an electrical product tech support line amongst other things I wish it was, cos I've had customers like this one....

"This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause.""

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

Customer Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

CS: "What sort of trouble?"

C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

CS: "Went away?"

C: "They disappeared."

CS: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

C: "Nothing."

CS: "Nothing?"

C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

CS: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

C: "How do I tell?"

CS: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

C: "What's a sea-prompt?"

CS: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

C: "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

CS: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

C: "What's a monitor?"

CS: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

C: "I don't know."

CS: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

C: "Yes, I think so."

CS: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

C: ".......Yes, it is."

CS: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

C: "No."

CS: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

C: ".......Okay, here it is."

CS: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

CS: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

C: "No."

CS: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

CS: "Dark?"

C: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

CS: "Well, turn on the office light then."

C: "I can't."

CS: "No? Why not?"

C: "Because there's a power outage."

CS: "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

CS: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

C: "Really? Is it that bad?"

CS: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

CS: "Tell them you're too having a good time stupid to own a computer."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: picsfor on November 03, 2009, 09:44:59 AM
Heard that one at the Microsoft Campus in '99 as well - and it was attributed to some one from Microsoft telling some one to take their computer back to Dixons and asking fora refund - reason being they were too stupid to own one.

Have actually experienced some one get a call that started with my computer screens gone black - and after a bit of muddling around and reaching a conclusion that the screen was in fact dead was then asked if that was the same problem with the other 8 screens in the travel agent?

Yep - you get them every where...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: hevans on November 08, 2009, 10:52:50 PM
One for ex-Bolton-D.
 :D

(http://www.slagoon.com/dailies/SL091108.gif)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: anglefire on November 10, 2009, 05:38:25 AM
MY TRIP TO LIDL

Yesterday I was at Lidl
Le Bugue buying a large bag of Purina dog Food for my friends loyal pet, Saki, the Wonder Dog. When in the checkout line a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your jeans pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum and a car hit us both.

I thought the chap behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Lidl won't let me shop there anymore.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: hevans on November 10, 2009, 02:14:27 PM
Just like the pink panther:
  Does yer daug bite?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jimthetrain on November 29, 2009, 06:44:18 PM
There's quite a few of these but this one tickled me the most.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jinky on December 08, 2009, 12:06:05 PM
What`s every scottish epileptic getting for christmas?

A Wii Fit

- I`m sorry about that any sufferers. I`ll get my coat...

Likewise the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jimthetrain on December 08, 2009, 09:06:18 PM
And the dyslexic atheist who didn't believe in dog. ;)

or

The dyslexic pimp who bought himself a warehouse. :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Alfonso_Frisk on December 11, 2009, 01:40:46 PM
How I learned to mind my own business:
 
 
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!
 
 
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Alfonso_Frisk on December 14, 2009, 03:23:03 PM
A recent survey asked 100 sexually active men what they most enjoyed about a blow job.
 99.9% said 'the 10 minutes of silence."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: anglefire on December 14, 2009, 06:08:43 PM
Another man goes to the optician and says ‘~I would like you to look at this in my shoe box” and then places his very large shoe box on the optician’s desk for inspection.

After opening the lid and having a cursory peek inside the optician notices a 9” long x 3’ diameter turd.

The optician looks across at the man and says ‘~WeU, you need to see a doctor about that, not me”’

To which the man replies ‘~But everytime I pass one of these my eyes water!”

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on December 14, 2009, 10:16:59 PM
A recent survey asked 100 sexually active men what they most enjoyed about a blow job.
 99.9% said 'the 10 minutes of silence."

 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: spinner on December 15, 2009, 02:03:49 AM
Elk Sex



Two guys are drinking in a bar.                     
 
One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"   
 
"Aw crap," says his friend, "and I just joined the Masons!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on December 16, 2009, 08:36:16 PM
A LITTLE-KNOWN CHRISTMAS FACT:

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was

Getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems

Everywhere.
     

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not

produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to

feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.   

This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the

reindeer,  he found that three of them were about to give

birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.   

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and

the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot  of whiskey. When he

went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor

and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all

over the kitchen floor.        

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the

straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed

on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little

angel with a great big Christmas tree.        

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa.

Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't

it just a  lovely tree?   

Where would you like me to stick it?"        

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the

Christmas tree.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jimthetrain on December 17, 2009, 10:28:18 PM
Just wasted £20 on a Tiger Woods DVD called "my 18 favourite holes". Turns out it's all about golf.!!!  :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on December 17, 2009, 10:50:10 PM
Just wasted £20 on a Tiger Woods DVD called "my 18 favourite holes". Turns out it's all about golf.!!!  :2funny:
Should have brought the Pro edition!  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: picsfor on December 18, 2009, 02:20:22 PM
Just wasted £20 on a Tiger Woods DVD called "my 18 favourite holes". Turns out it's all about golf.!!!  :2funny:

Risque - but it's a clever one...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on January 06, 2010, 05:33:11 AM
Take your mind off the Snow!
An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked
when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her
at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex
again -- the strain would be too much.
The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny
over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs
on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other
on the stairs -- she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering.
"I was about to commit suicide."
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming
upstairs to kill you!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Malcolm1938 on January 12, 2010, 11:09:32 AM
President Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.

They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

President Obama goes first:
"What will the USA be like in 100 years time"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he
reads it out:

"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"

Gordon Brown thinks "It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks:

"What will Britain be like in 100 years time?"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

But he just stares at it.

"Come on Gordon" says Obama, "Tell us what it says"

"I can't! It's all in Arabic!"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rick Wilks on January 14, 2010, 11:50:15 AM
Walked past a begger last night, he asked any change mate? No mate i said still got the big house and sports car
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jinky on January 21, 2010, 12:24:24 PM
Two pile of puke on a city centre street after Saturday night drinking binges. One says to the other -" how come I look all messy and mixed up with a carrot cube here and a pea there whereas your bits are all in order with peas together, carrots lined up, salad together etc". Other one says "Well obviously I was better brought up".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: michaelb104 on January 21, 2010, 04:16:15 PM
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

Being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter
going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: spinner on January 22, 2010, 04:35:01 PM
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?"
 
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."
 
Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
to Heaven."
 
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
even know the way to the f****ng Post Office"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on January 22, 2010, 08:03:18 PM
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her
husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her
next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're
finally together."

A guy standing in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean
 her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."  ;D


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: spinner on January 23, 2010, 12:45:35 AM
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
married for 20+ years...

We were chatting about our relationships and decided
to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you..' Then we made passionate love all nightlong.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,
but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

 
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,

 

 
 
 
"What's for dinner, Batgirl?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on January 23, 2010, 02:51:41 AM
An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when
all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me
beck the party!"

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over
again."

He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da
party."

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove
it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.

Two days later he opens the door and there are two big,
strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your
telephone out."

He says, "Vy?"

They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago.
But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the
telephone here."

He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes
to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello,
Operator28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I
told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"

She says, "Yes?"

He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Malcolm1938 on February 03, 2010, 09:25:14 AM
No Offence intended - May be a bit top self - Mods please feel free to delete if it might go too far.... Only read on if broad minded







Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli.

The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos.

And they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now."

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.

"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21"

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born".

"He's a martyr too" says mum quietly.

"Oh, gracious me ...." Says the other..

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.

He would be 18, she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".

He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...


"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jinky on February 03, 2010, 06:17:30 PM
Evidently Capello has phoned Wayne Bridge and told him John Terry has lost the captain`s armband...
 
and could he please look under his bed for it
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cabbyjohn on February 04, 2010, 06:55:51 AM
Paddy goes onto the Antiques roadshow, dragging a big box with him.

 "This must be a family heirloom," he says.  "It's been in the loft for as long as I can remember".

 "Have you got insurance"? The expert asks.

 "No" says Paddy, "Is it valuable"?

 "No not really",  replied the expert. "It's your cold water tank".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on February 04, 2010, 12:04:28 PM
Paddy goes onto the Antiques roadshow, dragging a big box with him.

 "This must be a family heirloom," he says.  "It's been in the loft for as long as I can remember".

 "Have you got insurance"? The expert asks.

 "No" says Paddy, "Is it valuable"?

 "No not really",  replied the expert. "It's your cold water tank".

 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: deetus on February 05, 2010, 09:28:09 AM
What do you call someone who takes 20 cows out of the freezer .......................Thora Hird  :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Forseti on February 05, 2010, 11:20:54 AM
Best of the lot
feature=player_embedded#
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABERS on February 05, 2010, 06:20:19 PM
A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: anglefire on February 07, 2010, 09:52:19 AM
AN OLD COWBOY
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy"







She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."



The two sat sipping in silence.





A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: michaelb104 on February 08, 2010, 04:48:38 PM
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something.

We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: spinner on February 10, 2010, 01:15:10 AM
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are out to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely
lauded for his wisdom One day the great philosopher
came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell
me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called
the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a
moment to test what you're going to say. The first
test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what
you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know
if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test,
the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me
about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me
something bad about him even though you're not certain
it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because
there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you
want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell
me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell
it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher
and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that
Plato was banging his wife...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: deetus on February 16, 2010, 11:07:29 AM
I was speaking to a pal of mine the other day and he told me his wife had left him. I asked him what had happened and he said she went out for a bottle of milk last Tuesday and he hasn't seen her since. I asked how he was coping. He said OK...........I'm using the powdered stuff.  :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Doyle2 on February 16, 2010, 02:06:28 PM
A ventriloquist was driving in the country when he was attracted to a
large farm. He asked for and was given a tour.
As he was shown through the barn, the ventriloquist thought he'd have
some fun. He proceeded to make one of the horses talk.
The hired hand, wide-eyed with fear, rushed from the barn to the
farmer. "Sam," he shouted, "those animals are talking! If that sheep
says anything about me, it's a damned lie!"
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jimthetrain on February 16, 2010, 02:52:38 PM
I bought the wife a new belt and bag for valentines day.  The hoover works a treat now. :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: anglefire on February 23, 2010, 09:09:43 PM
Thought from the Greatest Living
Scottish Thinker.
Billy Connolly - Statement of the
Century


"If women are so
bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and
sex at the same time?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Just Dave on April 02, 2010, 12:46:46 AM
Thought from the Greatest Living
Scottish Thinker.
Billy Connolly - Statement of the
Centur

"If women are so
bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and
sex at the same time?"

Ha ha I'll have to remember that LOL
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: deetus on April 14, 2010, 10:22:52 AM
Paddy's in the airport with 2 sacks over each shoulder when suddenly he's stopped by Customs and they search the sacks. They find loads of mobile phones in them. Custom officer asks Paddy why does he have all these phones?
Paddy replies "well while I was on me travels in the USA I get a phone call from Murphy in Cork and he told me that he's starting up a jazz band, could I bring him back two saxophones"  :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Malcolm1938 on April 17, 2010, 09:40:00 AM
 Please read this as a joke and not as a statement of my political opinions.



Gordon Brown went on a state visit to Israel. While on a tour of Jerusalem he died suddenly.
The undertaker told the British Diplomats accompanying him 'You can have him shipped home for £5,000,000, or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for £100.'

The British Diplomats discussed this at length and in private. They then returned to the undertaker and told him to ship Gordon home.

The puzzled undertaker asked 'Why would you spend £5,000,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here, and at a cost of only £100'?
'With the money you save you could pay back some of your national deficit or help pay for the Olympic Games or help your elderly'.

The British Diplomats answered 'Long ago a man died here and was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.
'We just can't take the risk.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SimonW on April 17, 2010, 11:32:48 AM
Apparently the British governement was trying to get back the money tied up in Iceland and asked them to send the Cash...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cabbyjohn on April 25, 2010, 10:07:17 AM
My internet service provider has threatened to ban me. I was on Ebay trying to buy a marquee and they said that I was loitering within tent......... I'l get me coat.  :-[
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: deetus on April 26, 2010, 08:30:21 PM
Just been outside and got hit on the head by a lasagne, a black forest gateaux and a garlic baguette.........
..................................................................
Must be the fallout from Iceland  :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Alfonso_Frisk on May 12, 2010, 07:15:58 PM
(http://cameracraniums.com/gallery/albums/userpics/normal_thatch.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: skellum on May 13, 2010, 10:23:03 AM
Very funny  :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: deetus on May 13, 2010, 10:56:55 AM
Prince Philip's just asked the Queen why someone from Cameroon is now running the country  :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Just Dave on May 13, 2010, 02:28:48 PM
Prince Philip's just asked the Queen why someone from Cameroon is now running the country  :legit:

:2funny: like it
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: spinner on May 17, 2010, 11:26:02 PM
Just Dave's 'rabbits' put in mind of this old, really old, joke.

A Scotsman comes to Canada to visit with relatives. They decide to take him for a drive through the north country.
As they're travelling along a main highway this huge creature lumbers out from the woods onto the road and the
driver is forced to slam on the brakes.

"Jings" cries the Scotsman. "What in heaven's name is that?" The driver says "oh that's a moose"
The Scotsman replies "If that's a moose, I'd hate to see ur rats!"  :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: spinner on May 19, 2010, 01:24:18 PM
 An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all die and go to hell.

 

 


While there, they spot a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling

back to Earth.  
  

  The Irishman asks to call Dublin and talks for 5 minutes. When he  was finished the devil

informs him that the cost is a million Pounds, so the Irishman writes him a check.  
  

  Next the Scotsman calls Glasgow and talks for 30 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs

 him that cost is 6 million Pounds, so the Scotsman writes him a check.
  

  Finally the Englisman gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was  finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call   and feel free to call  England anytime
  

When the Scotsman hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why the Englishman got to call his home free.
  

The devil replied," Since Gordon became Prime Minister the country has gone to hell, so

naturally it's a local call."  
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Just Dave on May 19, 2010, 04:49:03 PM
 :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: deetus on June 07, 2010, 09:17:06 AM
My Chinese mate had a girlfriend named Lorraine.

He was cheating on her with another girl called Claire Lee.

Unfortunately Lorraine died.

At her funeral my mate stood up and sang..........


"I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone"......... :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jinky on June 07, 2010, 12:38:12 PM
Bloke rings his private dentist and says "How much to extract one tooth?".
 He`s told £1200.
"OK he says - price is everything here what about if we dispense with a assistant nurse".
£1100 is the answer.
 "OK I am assuming a pre-injection, then the main freezing injection here - price is everything  - what about if we do away with the pre-injection?".
£1000 is the answer.
"OK price is all  important in this arrangement" he says - "What about instead of the full hour appointment with anaesthetic we tag it onto the end of someone else`s check up, dispense with any pain control at all and simply do a 10 minute job yanking the thing out. I`ve got to get the price down".
The assistant tells him that this would be incredibly painful and against all guidelines but will check with the dentist. He gets a call back and is told that against all recommendations  if indeed the job took 10 minutes, no anaesthetic at all or any other pain killer and could be slotted in with no dental nurse assistance- then it would be £400.
"That`s more like it says the man - it`s  a deal -   can I book my wife in for it on Friday please"  ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: deetus on June 17, 2010, 08:48:03 AM
Why did the Mexican throw his wife from a cliff ?



Tequila... :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: anglefire on June 22, 2010, 09:38:33 PM

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa!

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Scousers and Pikeys is not the correct answer!

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children’s iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh, She's Eleven."

The wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Problem was she's rubbish at snooker.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Hartlepool but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

My wife barely notices the racket all those vuvuzelas make throughout the World Cup matches. She's used to hearing a tirade of horns every time she pulls out onto a roundabout.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: deetus on June 23, 2010, 11:09:31 AM
Why don't elephants do skinny dipping?


They can't take their trunks off.  :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: deetus on June 29, 2010, 09:06:13 AM
To help England fans get over their anguish at their teams dismal performance at the world cup, a free counselling helpline has been set up.............................

0800-4-1-4-1-4-1.

 ::)  :legit:

Oops sorry, I've just seen this on another thread.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Moses on June 29, 2010, 11:26:22 PM
Durex have just launched thier safest ever condom, its called the Green, wear it and you will never catch anything......
OK, I'll get my coat, and hat ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Just Dave on June 30, 2010, 07:53:02 PM
Fabio Capello has arranged a match with Iceland to try and cheer the England fans up,


and if they win that they go on to play Tesco and Sainsburys!  :2funny:  :2funny:  :2funny:

.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: spinner on July 07, 2010, 03:39:05 PM
 The difference if you marry a canadian girl

    The first man married a woman from Cuba.
    He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
    It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home
    to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

    The second man married a woman from Europe.
    He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
    dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results,
    but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw
    his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge
    dinner on the table.

    The third man married a girl from CANADA.
    He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,
    lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for
    every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything,
    the second day he didn't see anything but .....




    by the third day,
    some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
    out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he
    could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

    He still has some difficulty when he pees.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: anglefire on August 02, 2010, 08:18:20 AM
Pharmacology:
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen.



Amoxil
Is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called
Ibuprofen.



The FDA has been
Looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
Consideration by a team of government experts, it recently
Announced that it has settled on the generic name of
Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin,
Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course,
Ibepokin.


Pfizer
Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
Liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power
Beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible
For a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we
Can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning
To the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good
Old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new
Concoction by the name of: MOUNT &
DO.


Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra
Today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,
There should be a large elderly population with perky boobs
And huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to
Do with them.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jinky on September 17, 2010, 06:31:07 PM
First day in prison and they have found George Michael face down, unconscious on the floor with a chocolate bar up his bum. A Prison spokesman said " Someone`s been careless with a wispa".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: alan1572 on September 19, 2010, 04:52:04 PM
The 1 armed butler, can take it but cant dish it out
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: alan1572 on September 19, 2010, 04:55:06 PM
See Camerons wife has had a girl by caesarean, more Tory cuts
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Graham on September 20, 2010, 01:20:37 PM
  A man was arrested for throwing a bottle of Domestos at the Pope during his visit to Birmingham yestrerday.
  He was charged with a bleach of the priest!  :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: spinner on November 28, 2010, 12:02:24 AM
A Cold Winter



It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting all the firewood they can find'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jinky on December 30, 2010, 09:30:04 AM
I see Andrew Strauss bought the England team a really expensive vintage red wine to celebrate the Ashes victory. Unforurnately it is still sat in the dressing room untouched - seems you just cannot find a decent opener anywhere in Australia  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Skhilled on January 22, 2011, 08:08:45 AM
God saw your parents hungry, he created pizza.
God saw your parents thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw your parents tired, he created cars.

...He saw your parents without any problems, he created YOU!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: alan1572 on February 03, 2011, 08:42:04 PM
can't work my neighbour out, at 2am he's knocking hell out of my front door and then again at 4am and 6am...lucky i was already up playing my drums
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Beryl on March 13, 2011, 01:10:35 AM
"Following the insurgencies,  the authorities in Dubai have banned the airing of The Flintstones.  They considered that the people of Dubai wouldn't understand the sense of humour.  However, a spokesman said that the people of Abu Dhabi do."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Graham on March 13, 2011, 09:56:29 AM
"Following the insurgencies,  the authorities in Dubai have banned the airing of The Flintstones.  They considered that the people of Dubai wouldn't understand the sense of humour.  However, a spokesman said that the people of Abu Dhabi do."
:2funny: :tup:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on May 03, 2011, 09:33:19 PM
 After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do." said the old man. "After I have sex, I am usually cold and chilly then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
 
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"  The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"
 
"Oh, that stupid old fart'' she replied.  "That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August."  :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABERS on May 03, 2011, 10:12:32 PM
Ah! that explains it. How long is it till August? :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Beaux Reflets on May 07, 2011, 02:06:29 AM
A guy walks into the fishmongers, and says to the girl, "er pound o' fillet."

And the girl behind the counter replies "a pound you don't"

 :beer:

I wonder what would have happened if he had said please ............  :2funny:                 ? :legit:


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: michaelb104 on May 08, 2011, 11:30:09 AM
Hi I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty.

Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was  :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Beaux Reflets on May 08, 2011, 11:41:49 AM
Hi I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty.

Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was  :legit:

Well was it worth a test  :D :D  ical  :2funny: 

At least he had the balls to try :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABERS on May 08, 2011, 01:28:47 PM
Hey barman, give me a Bin Laden please!
What's a Bin Laden?

Two shots and a splash of water.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: picsfor on May 14, 2011, 08:33:08 AM
thought i'd hears most, but not that one...

Does 'PR' qualify as a joke? Or a tragedy?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Graham on May 14, 2011, 09:19:57 AM
Right then.
                  David Beckham's son comes in and says " Dad, can I go out to play football with my mates?"
                  "Course you can son." says Dave.

                  A little while later he comes back, "Dad, I don't know what number to have on my shirt!"
                  David replies. "Romeo...Romeo....wear four out there Romeo!"


                 Graham. :2funny: :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Beaux Reflets on May 14, 2011, 11:11:21 AM
Two posh youngsters in the playground.

"Hey Tony, do your parents ever have sex?"

"Well I'm here."

"No, I mean; do they have it now?"

"Don't know, ..... although I heard my mum boasting to yours the other day, that she's always, feeling under Par"  :2funny: :legit:

(Having whisked that up out of fresh air, I wonder how long it will take to go full circle and turn up in my in box of crud that occasionally gets through.)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Matthew on May 17, 2011, 09:49:29 PM
Man walks into a Butchers shop...."Have you got a sheeps head?", asks the man. "No", replies the Butcher, "It's the way I comb my hair".... :uglystupid2:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Malcolm1938 on May 25, 2011, 12:53:50 PM
Parvinder and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London .

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives
in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend..

Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but
how do you bring home a suitcase full of 10 notes every day?'

Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads:- 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3.

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Parvinder shows Habib his sign...

It reads:- 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan!'


Nicked from the IDF50 site. Mods - Delete it if you consider it too offencive.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Beryl on May 29, 2011, 01:35:48 AM
The Talking Centipede   
   

A single guy decided life would be more fun  if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store  and told the owner  that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede which came in a little white box
to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet  to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go  to church with me today?
We will have a good time."

But there was no answer  from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes  and then asked again,   
"How about going  to church with me  and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer  from his new friend and pet.
So he waited  a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided  to invite the centipede  one last time.

This time  he put his face up against  the centipede's house and shouted,   
"Hey in there!   Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time!  I'm putting my shoes on!"   
 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Malcolm1938 on June 20, 2011, 04:46:32 PM
Islam in Italy

Because there are no mosques in Venice, the Government allows  Italian Muslims to pray in the streets.

 601 have  drowned so far

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: rksmith51 on June 20, 2011, 08:31:26 PM
What about the guy who made a BIGGGG mistake when he bought a trailer load of Tippex off EBay.

 :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on July 30, 2011, 09:06:32 AM
The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.
 

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

--------------------------------

Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history.  The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------

Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That.... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.

 
 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Markulous on July 31, 2011, 08:15:27 AM
Now that Amy Winehouse has died, who else can we get to screech over pitiful emulations of Motown backing tracks?

If only there was a Plan B

 ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: rksmith51 on July 31, 2011, 08:39:50 AM
Talking about Amy, did you hear, Rupert Murdoch has said he is touched by some of the messages friends and family have left on Amy Winehouse's phone!  :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Markulous on July 31, 2011, 08:43:58 AM
If only there was a newspaper around that could tell us the communications between Amy Winehouse and her inner circle of friends and family immediately prior to her death........

- or -

So, Amy Winehouse is dead. To be honest, we all saw it coming.

But Rupert Murdoch knew about it two months ago.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on July 31, 2011, 09:50:22 PM

But Rupert Murdoch knew about it two months ago.

Don't be silly, as according to his testimony to the select committee, he hadn't a clue what was going on!  :uglystupid2:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: krennon on August 25, 2011, 11:14:39 PM
I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi !, how are you ?" Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to ?". I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here !". ...From next door, "Can I come over?". Annoyed, I said " rather busy right now". The voice said, "Listen, i will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Beryl on August 26, 2011, 12:48:17 AM
Oh I was going top do that joke but thought you might think it was meeeeeeeee  ;D
Title: The popes new camera
Post by: Alfonso_Frisk on August 29, 2011, 04:53:43 PM
The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed 'to exercise the Papal wrist', and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.

'Hold on a minute!', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!'

'This is my big lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!'

So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer. After much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of 2,000,000 Euros.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said, 'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?'

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied,'.... two million Euros...'


'TWO MILLION EUROS!' replied the housekeeper. ' - They saw you coming, didn’t they.
 
 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: hevans on August 29, 2011, 06:59:04 PM
The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed 'to exercise the Papal wrist', and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.

'Hold on a minute!', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!'

'This is my big lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!'

So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer. After much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of 2,000,000 Euros.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said, 'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?'

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied,'.... two million Euros...'


'TWO MILLION EUROS!' replied the housekeeper. ' - They saw you coming, didn’t they.
 
 
 

Brilliant!

Did he get any shots of the 2nd coming?   :2funny:


Title: Re: The popes new camera
Post by: Oldboy on August 29, 2011, 11:32:55 PM
The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed 'to exercise the Papal wrist', and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.

'Hold on a minute!', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!'

'This is my big lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!'

So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer. After much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of 2,000,000 Euros.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said, 'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?'

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied,'.... two million Euros...'


'TWO MILLION EUROS!' replied the housekeeper. ' - They saw you coming, didn’t they.

 :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: rksmith51 on September 06, 2011, 09:58:18 PM
Two glaswegians were sittin in the pub discussin Jimmys weddin.
"Och its gonna be pure brilliant" says Jimmy,"everythin organised awe ready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the rings, the reception, av even goat a kilt to get married in!" "A kilt?" says Archie, "that's magic, you'll look pure dead smert man in that! What's the tartin?" "Och a think she'll be in white!"

If you need a translation let me know  :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Beaux Reflets on September 07, 2011, 09:30:13 AM
Two glaswegians were sittin in the pub discussin Jimmys weddin.
"Och its gonna be pure brilliant" says Jimmy,"everythin organised awe ready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the rings, the reception, av even goat a kilt to get married in!" "A kilt?" says Archie, "that's magic, you'll look pure dead smert man in that! What's the tartin?" "Och a think she'll be in white!"

If you need a translation let me know  :2funny: :2funny:

 :2funny: and the wife laughed too.  :beer:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Beryl on October 20, 2011, 07:33:59 PM
A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. 

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

 
'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

 
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

 

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on October 20, 2011, 09:28:54 PM

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Beryl on November 05, 2011, 09:25:24 PM
To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless.  ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Beryl on November 06, 2011, 09:51:36 AM
Today I’m giving out dead batteries free of charge.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Alfonso_Frisk on November 20, 2011, 11:27:04 AM
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
 
"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Graham on November 25, 2011, 04:26:53 PM
A Limerick.


            There was a young man from Milan,
            Who's poetry never would scan.
            He exclaimed with a sigh,
            I think I know why!
            It's because I always try to get as many words in the last line as I can!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Alfonso_Frisk on November 26, 2011, 11:08:31 PM
So Fatima Whitbread goes to the doctors,
"What seems to be the problem Fatima ?" enquires the doctor.
Fatima opens her blouse,"Well doctor I seem to have developed these hairs on my chest,"
"Oh yes" replies the doctor, "and how far do they go do they go down Fatima ?"
She replies"All the way to my bollocks doctor !!!! "
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Beryl on November 28, 2011, 08:36:34 PM
Three old women sat in a nursing home, reminiscing over their lives over a cup of tea and a biccie.
One of them said, "Thank God we aren't senile"
"Yes, knock on wood" agreed the second lady.
"Come in!" said the third.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Beaux Reflets on December 08, 2011, 09:30:11 AM
I went to the doctors the other day.

He said "Gosh, I've not seen you for a while"

I said, "Ï know, I'm sorry, I've been ill."


http://sites.google.com/site/beauxreflets/keep-fit  :beer:
Title: Re: Joke of the day ( I wish it wasn't funny)
Post by: Malcolm1938 on December 13, 2011, 06:20:59 PM
Bob, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Bob leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on December 16, 2011, 01:14:01 AM
A man with  a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
 
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear  Sir,
Please find enclosed a  Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald  head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
 
The  man is offended that the outfit  emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.. 
 
A week passes and he  receives another parcel and note:

Dear  Sir,
Sorry about the previous  parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
 
The  man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.  So he writes a really strong Letter of complaint..
A few days later he gets a very small Parcel  from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear  Sir,
Please find enclosed a  tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of  Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse And go as a toffee apple.  :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Hinfrance on December 17, 2011, 04:48:23 PM
Not really a joke, and a shortened version of this has been going around for a decade, attributed, incorrectly, to Bill Gates. So many of you will have seen a version of this before. I think the full text has a little more going for it though.

I think every school should have a poster of this in every classroom:

"Some rules kids won't learn in school
                        Text By Charles J. Sykes

                   Printed in San Diego Union Tribune
                           September 19, 1996

Unfortunately, there are some things that children should be learning in
school, but don't. Not all of them have to do with academics. As a modest
back-to-school offering, here are some basic rules that may not have found
their way into the standard curriculum.

Rule No. 1: Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teen-ager uses the
phrase, "It's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who
said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation
ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule
No. 1.

Rule No. 2: The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as much
as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you
feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated
self-esteem meets reality, kids complain it's not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

Rule No. 3: Sorry, you won't make $40,000 a year right out of high school.
And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even
have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.

Rule No. 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til you get a boss. He
doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he's
not going to ask you how you feel about it.

Rule No. 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grand-parents
had a different word of burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They
weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been
embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.

Rule No. 6: It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up, you are
responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my life," and "You're not the
boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you
turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it, or you'll sound like a
baby boomer.

Rule No. 7: Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are
now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and
listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before
you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents'
generation, try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule No. 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers. Life
hasn't. In some schools, they'll give you as many times as you want to get
the right answer. Failing grades have been abolished and class
valedictorians scrapped, lest anyone's feelings be hurt. Effort is as
important as results. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance
to anything in real life. (See Rule No. 1, Rule No. 2 and Rule No. 4)

Rule No. 9: Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers
off. Not even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight
hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.
While we're at it, very few jobs are interesting in fostering your
self-expression or helping you find yourself. Fewer still lead to
self-realization. (See Rule No. 1 and Rule No. 2.)

Rule No. 10: Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your
problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials.
In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs.
Your friends will not be as perky or pliable as Jennifer Aniston.

Rule No. 11: Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all
could.

Rule No. 12: Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look moronic.
Next time you're out cruising, watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his
mouth. That's what you look like to anyone over 20. Ditto for "expressing
yourself" with purple hair and/or pierced body parts.

Rule No. 13: You are not immortal. (See Rule No. 12.) If you are under the
impression that living fast, dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse is
romantic, you obviously haven't seen one of your peers at room temperature
lately.

Rule No. 14: Enjoy this while you can. Sure parents are a pain, school's a
bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it
was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now.

You're welcome."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Malcolm1938 on December 27, 2011, 05:15:51 PM
Just a bit of fun

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=MZ35SOU9HTM (http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=MZ35SOU9HTM)

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bones615 on December 28, 2011, 08:26:29 PM
WALLET SCAM WARNING!!
In Asda whilst packing shopping into the car, You may be approached by 2
fit 18 year old fit Eastern European girls in tight, tiny tops.
They wash Your screen with their Boobs against the window and ask for a
lift to the next ASDA as payment.
On the way they will strip down and do lewd acts to each other. One will
climb into the front seat and Seduce You, while the Other will attempt
to steal Your Wallet!!

I had Mine stolen Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Twice Yesterday and
Earlier again Today,so be Careful!!

Ps You can buy Wallets for 99p in Poundstretchers
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bones615 on December 28, 2011, 08:27:35 PM
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABERS on December 28, 2011, 10:30:28 PM
 :2funny: :2funny:

Trouble is my wife insists on going to Waitrose :(
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bones615 on December 29, 2011, 11:07:19 AM
:2funny: :2funny:

Trouble is my wife insists on going to Waitrose :(

You must live at the posh end of town  ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: spinner on December 30, 2011, 11:05:04 PM
Email from the Queen - an important announcement regarding the U.S.A. 
          To the citizens of the United States of  America
          from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen  Elizabeth II
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent
years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able
to  govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the  revocation of your independence, effective  immediately.  (You should look up 'revocation' in  the Oxford English  Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas,  which she does not  fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron,  will appoint a Governor for America
without the  need for further elections.  Congress and the Senate will be  disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine  whether any of
you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British  Crown dependency, the following rules are  introduced with immediate  effect:

1.   The letter 'U' will be reinstated in  words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.'  Likewise, you will learn to  spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the  letters, and the
suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'  Generally, you will be expected to raise
your vocabulary to  acceptable levels (look up  'vocabulary').
------------------------
2.   Using the same twenty-seven words  interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.  There is no such
thing as U.S. English.  We will let Microsoft  know on your behalf.  The Microsoft  spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination
of  '-ize.'
-------------------
3.   July 4th will no longer be  celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4.   You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.
The fact  that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready
to be independent.  Guns should only be used for  shooting grouse..  If you can't sort
things out without suing  someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to
shoot grouse.
----------------------
5.   Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than
a vegetable  peeler.  Although a permit will be required if you wish to  carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6.   All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with  immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect
and without the benefit of conversion  tables.  Both roundabouts and metrication will help
you  understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7.   The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)
of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.
-------------------
8.   You will learn to make real  chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real
chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.
Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9.   The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  New Zealand beer is also acceptable,
as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only
be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further  confusion.
---------------------
10.  Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral
was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11.  You will cease playing American football.  There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New  Zealanders).  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12.  Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you
are aware there is a world  beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will
learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World  dominators) first to take the
sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13.  You must tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14.  An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will
be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15.  Daily Tea Time begins promptly at  4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when
in season.

God Save the Queen!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Beaux Reflets on December 31, 2011, 07:40:01 PM
Email from the Queen - an important announcement regarding the U.S.A.  ......................... (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15.  Daily Tea Time begins promptly at  4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when
in season.

God Save the Queen!

Does that mean that next year in the Queen's speech she will say - '..... as my fellow mericans an me paused for our cucumbar sarnies,.....'  :-\
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jinky on January 06, 2012, 07:43:11 AM
Had to smile a this one as we hit man flu season:
feature=player_embedded
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Hinfrance on January 06, 2012, 10:00:19 AM
Back in the 90s a very good friend of mine got man flu. Then pneumonia, then a coffin. He was 42 years old, non smoker.

If you get symptoms of a heavy cold, take care of yourself and DON'T go out and spread it around.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Malcolm1938 on January 13, 2012, 03:48:20 PM
A worrying thought for 2012!

10 years ago Bob Hope died
 
5 years ago Johnny Cash died

A couple of months ago Steve Jobs died

Some weeks ago Jimmy Saville died

Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and nobody left to Fix It

Let's hope nothing happens to Ed Balls!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on January 13, 2012, 09:01:34 PM
A worrying thought for 2012!

10 years ago Bob Hope died
 
5 years ago Johnny Cash died

A couple of months ago Steve Jobs died

Some weeks ago Jimmy Saville died

Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and nobody left to Fix It

Let's hope nothing happens to Ed Balls!
:2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Just Dave on January 18, 2012, 07:33:44 PM
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room
stops to listen.


MAN: "Hello"


WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"


MAN: "Yes."


WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £2,000;
is it OK if I buy it?"


MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."


WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus
dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked."


MAN: "How much?"


WOMAN: "£50,000."


MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it
loaded with all the options."


WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...
I was just talking to Janie and found out
that the house I wanted last year is back
on the market.They're asking £580,000 for it."


MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer
of £500,000. They'll probably take it. If not,
we can go the extra eighty-thousand
if it's what you really want."


WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later!
I love you so much!"


MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."


The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring
at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

...............................................

..................................................

.................................................. ..


.................................................. ....

.................................................. ......



He turns and asks,

"Anyone know who's phone this is?


 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Beaux Reflets on January 18, 2012, 07:38:52 PM
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room
stops to listen.


MAN: "Hello"


WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"


MAN: "Yes."


WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £2,000;
is it OK if I buy it?"


MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."


WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus
dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked."


MAN: "How much?"


WOMAN: "£50,000."


MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it
loaded with all the options."


WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...
I was just talking to Janie and found out
that the house I wanted last year is back
on the market.They're asking £580,000 for it."


MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer
of £500,000. They'll probably take it. If not,
we can go the extra eighty-thousand
if it's what you really want."


WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later!
I love you so much!"


MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."


The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring
at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

...............................................

..................................................

.................................................. ..


.................................................. ....

.................................................. ......



He turns and asks,

"Anyone know who's phone this is?


 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:

 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gaelldew on January 18, 2012, 08:08:59 PM
Suits you sir.


An old lady was very upset as her husband Tommy had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have a look at her dearly departed husband. The moment she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Tommy was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit. The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the funeral parlour to have one last moment with Tommy before the funeral the following day. When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Tommy was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?" "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit," the mortician replied. "His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit." Tommy's wife smiled gratefully at the undertaker. After that," he continued, "it was just a matter of swapping the heads."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bones615 on February 04, 2012, 04:00:50 PM
Sure  to make you Groan:
 

The Grim Reaper came for me  last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner.
   
    Talk about  Dyson with death.
----oOo----

 
Paddy says "Mick,  I'm thinking of buying a Labrador  ."
   
    "Really, ..."  says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
----oOo----

 
I woke up last night to find the  ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
   
    At first I was  afraid...then I was petrified
----oOo----


 

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to  brake fluid.

 
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he  could stop any time.
----oOo----



 
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her  birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow  this," I thought,
   
    "I can get one  cheaper off the web."
 

----oOo----

   
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

   
----oOo----

 
I was at a cash point yesterday when  a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her  over.
 

----oOo----

 
I start a new  job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a  good Korea move.
----oOo----

 
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van  parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very  miserable.
   
    I thought to  myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

   
----oOo----

 
On holiday recently in  Spain I saw a sign that said  'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we  have them in our country?'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jinky on February 04, 2012, 04:10:51 PM
 :2funny: I`ll be borrowing those ones!
Title: Re: Joke of the day PREGNANT AT 71
Post by: Malcolm1938 on February 06, 2012, 10:55:08 PM
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.

After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded.

" Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,

" Does she still have the hiccups?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Beaux Reflets on February 07, 2012, 03:42:08 PM
Well delivered ? ::)  ;)  :2funny:  :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bones615 on February 07, 2012, 09:58:18 PM
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil


Wife says to husband "u only ever want s*x when ur drunk"husband says "thats not true....... sometimes i want a kebab"


An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool.
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........;They had no idea they had a job centre!


A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says i can’t find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes? the woman says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is? Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a woman with t!ts like yours she appears out of nowhere!


Paddy says to Mick, i'm getting circumcised tomorrow. Mick says, i had that done when i was a few days old. Paddy asks "Does it hurt?" Mick says "well i could'nt walk for 12 months!"


Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidently swigged from a bottle of Tippex.. I woke this morning with a huge correction.




Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jimthetrain on February 07, 2012, 10:11:15 PM
A bloke last night asked me what was my ringtone. No idea I replied, i've never looked but it's probably light brown.  :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jimthetrain on February 07, 2012, 10:13:19 PM
I rang up the model shop and asked if they had an airfix model of an Italian cruise liner.
 Yes sir, we have one left.
Good, can you put it on one side for me.  :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Malcolm1938 on February 18, 2012, 04:56:40 PM
A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.

"The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed
and prayed and prayed for Leroy and the whole congregation joined in, with great enthusiasm”.


After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

ouch - sorry
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Beryl on February 26, 2012, 01:41:11 AM
"Heathrow control calling Aer Lingus flight 94762. Can you give me your position and height please?"
"I'm in the front seat and I'm five foot nine."


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bones615 on February 27, 2012, 05:29:37 PM
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
   
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Hinfrance on March 10, 2012, 03:35:30 PM
This is probably the best thing I would be able to think of using one for too:

In the kitchen (http://www.howtogeek.com/108078/what-you-should-not-do-with-that-shiny-new-ipad-funny-video/?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=100312)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Beaux Reflets on March 10, 2012, 05:23:17 PM
This is probably the best thing I would be able to think of using one for too:

In the kitchen (http://www.howtogeek.com/108078/what-you-should-not-do-with-that-shiny-new-ipad-funny-video/?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=100312)

 :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Graham on March 10, 2012, 05:49:03 PM
 :2funny: :tup:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on March 10, 2012, 06:49:27 PM
This is probably the best thing I would be able to think of using one for too:

In the kitchen (http://www.howtogeek.com/108078/what-you-should-not-do-with-that-shiny-new-ipad-funny-video/?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=100312)

It's one way to get your monies worth.  :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bones615 on May 01, 2012, 10:37:59 PM
Veet for men reviews on amazon.
Found this on another site and have been giggling like a girl since, bit rude so dont look if easily offended.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=cm_cr_pr_top_link_1?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0

Simon
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: michaelb104 on May 02, 2012, 08:14:11 AM
Veet for men reviews on amazon.
Found this on another site and have been giggling like a girl since, bit rude so dont look if easily offended.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=cm_cr_pr_top_link_1?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0

Simon

Now giggling like a girl and rolling on the floor  :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Graham on May 02, 2012, 05:01:45 PM
  I saw this on a cycling forum I occasionaly visit......they'er keen on that sort of thing you know. :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Alfonso_Frisk on May 14, 2012, 03:48:42 PM
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to theUrologist as a precaution.  When he gets there, he discovers theUrologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.  I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99".



The doctor says, "Great".  Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'."

Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, Very good.  Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.  I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ...... Two ... Three" .....

Remember - You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on May 15, 2012, 09:45:53 AM
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music!
   
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
   
This is considered a major social breakthrough because for generations women have been complaining about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.
  :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: WillyP on May 23, 2012, 04:48:13 PM
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana, when suddenly, a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni ® suit, Gucci ® shoes, RayBan ® sunglasses and YSL ® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will ...you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell ® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 ® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop ® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ... Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot ® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL ® database through an ODBC connected Excel ® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry ® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet ® printer, turns to the cowboy and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

AND THAT - FOLKS, IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on May 23, 2012, 07:21:36 PM
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

AND THAT - FOLKS, IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.

 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bones615 on July 12, 2012, 08:39:35 PM
Found these on another site

1.      A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

2.      Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

3.      I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

4.      The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Blonde wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm water over it."
Wife texts back: "Computer really buggered now".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on July 12, 2012, 09:10:55 PM
 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: WillyP on July 14, 2012, 06:23:10 PM
(http://i1033.photobucket.com/albums/a411/snarf1971/woop-ass.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on July 16, 2012, 08:31:50 AM
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the
corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's
Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and
a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for
the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The
arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bones615 on July 16, 2012, 08:05:30 PM
 All the stereotypes!!!
Two Irish Men, A Blonde & a Flag Pole


Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height, and she gives us the bloody length.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on July 16, 2012, 09:25:21 PM
All the stereotypes!!!
Two Irish Men, A Blonde & a Flag Pole


Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height, and she gives us the bloody length.'
:2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on August 13, 2012, 06:44:35 PM
A 90 year old Sailor picks up a prostitute while having sex he says to her "how am I doing",
 She replies "about 3 knots ",
 He asks "what do you mean 3 knots",
 She replies " Your not hard,your not in and your not getting your money back.  :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABERS on August 13, 2012, 07:19:39 PM
An elderly lady of the night propositions a possible punter by saying "There maybe Autumn in my face, but there is Summer in my heart".

The punter takes a chance and buys her favours.

When he leaves he remarks, there is certainly Autumn in your face dear and there Summer in your heart, you just need some Spring in you backside."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Matthew on August 13, 2012, 09:14:35 PM
A 90 year old Sailor picks up a prostitute while having sex he says to her "how am I doing",
 She replies "about 3 knots ",
 He asks "what do you mean 3 knots",
 She replies " Your not hard,your not in and your not getting your money back.  :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:

lol.....

Did you hear the one about the useless suicide bombe.......BOOM........
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jinky on August 30, 2012, 09:58:29 AM
I was visiting a friend  last week and asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
His son looked at me in disbelief with a laughing sneer.
 
'This is the 21st century, he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
 
Well I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...   ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Malcolm1938 on September 05, 2012, 10:25:49 PM
The Indian Chief, "Two Eagles" was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Clean Water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian men spend all day hunting and fishing and all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on November 10, 2012, 09:14:46 AM
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that
her body hurt wherever she touched it. 
   'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' 
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee
and screamed; 
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made
her scream. 
   The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 
   'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 
   'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'


 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Matthew on November 10, 2012, 06:32:48 PM
 :2funny: Got to love blonde jokes......

Why was the Midget thrown out of the pub?

He was a little drunk...... :beer:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Graham on February 13, 2013, 06:04:22 AM
    A horse walks into a bar. "Too late," says the bartender, "we're joking about the Pope now." "He's right," sighs Richard III.


    And in the spirit of "Buy one, get one free".

    Did you know that "Findus lasagne" is an anagram of "Fed us slain nag"!  :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Paul Montgomery on February 13, 2013, 07:04:20 PM
That last one is brilliant - got to pinch it ...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Graham on February 13, 2013, 07:27:52 PM
That last one is brilliant - got to pinch it ...
  Where do you think I got it!  :tup:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Matthew on February 13, 2013, 09:51:37 PM
What is a Schitzu?.................

A zoo with no animals...... :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Malcolm1938 on February 25, 2013, 07:44:45 AM
 Came in from work today to find the woman I love standing seductively in the bedroom!! 

"Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked....!.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.


"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: deetus on March 26, 2013, 09:03:44 PM
Last week I went and bought two goldfish.

Couldn't think of any names so I just called them one and two.

Anyway yesterday one died......................

So I've only got two left  :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Malcolm1938 on May 05, 2013, 11:15:59 PM


        An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

        One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

        As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

        One of the women shouted to him,“We’re not coming out until you leave!’ The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

        Holding the bucket up he said,.... “I’m here to feed the alligator…”

        Some old men can still think fast!!

     
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: DigiDiva on August 08, 2013, 12:51:38 PM
I went to the opticians the other day and guess who I bumped into????


Everyone!

Sorry (Taxi for DD)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: spikeyjen on August 08, 2013, 10:57:05 PM
Little boy stands at the door and yells "MUM... MUM....."
Mum is annoyed and replies "if you want to talk to me, come here and tell me quietly"
So the little boy walks through the house and into the lounge room, up to his mum and says "Mum, I just stood in dog poo!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: wavemachine on August 22, 2013, 06:20:46 PM
A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Murphy. The boss thought I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." So Murphy says, "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw three tree's. The boss says, "What the hell's that?" Murphy says, "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine." Fair enough, says the boss.

Second question, same rules, but represent 99. Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says. The boss scratches his head and says, " How on earth do you get that to represent 99. Murphy says, " Each tree's dirty now! so it's dirty tree, n' dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says, "Alright, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "There ya go sir, 100."

The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks 'Ha! got him this time.' Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred."

Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred, when do I start me job?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on August 22, 2013, 07:24:13 PM
A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Murphy. The boss thought I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." So Murphy says, "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw three tree's. The boss says, "What the hell's that?" Murphy says, "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine." Fair enough, says the boss.

Second question, same rules, but represent 99. Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says. The boss scratches his head and says, " How on earth do you get that to represent 99. Murphy says, " Each tree's dirty now! so it's dirty tree, n' dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says, "Alright, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "There ya go sir, 100."

The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks 'Ha! got him this time.' Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred."

Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred, when do I start me job?

 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: spikeyjen on August 26, 2013, 01:55:42 AM
I haven't stopped laughing at this one, from an email sent by hubby. We had a big story here about a man taken by a crocodile in Northern Territory (he went swimming while at a 30th birthday party, in the most croc infested river in Australia) its in poor taste (sorry about that...)


In Herald Sun, man taken by croc near Darwin has been described by friends as "sensible and cautious"!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on August 26, 2013, 07:15:03 PM
I haven't stopped laughing at this one, from an email sent by hubby. We had a big story here about a man taken by a crocodile in Northern Territory (he went swimming while at a 30th birthday party, in the most croc infested river in Australia) its in poor taste (sorry about that...)


In Herald Sun, man taken by croc near Darwin has been described by friends as "sensible and cautious"!

Does that mean he's out to lunch?  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: spikeyjen on August 26, 2013, 10:08:48 PM
 :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: wavemachine on October 17, 2013, 07:28:34 PM
A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.

Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the once again group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Reinardina on October 17, 2013, 09:10:20 PM
 :2funny:

You have been AWOL for quite some time! You're not 85 yet surely?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on October 17, 2013, 11:59:24 PM
:2funny:

You have been AWOL for quite some time! You're not 85 yet surely?

Going on the last line, I don't think he could answer that!  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: spikeyjen on October 18, 2013, 09:57:37 AM
I would have thought they might have gone back to McDonalds, as no 85 year old can afford to go to Captain Jacks any more!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: wavemachine on October 18, 2013, 06:25:52 PM
:2funny:

You have been AWOL for quite some time! You're not 85 yet surely?

Not quite, yeah sorry I haven't been around much but been very busy and done very little photography of late.

Actually that's a lie I was at MacDonalds waiting for my friends but they were all waiting for me at Captain what ever is name is ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on October 18, 2013, 10:45:02 PM
:2funny:

You have been AWOL for quite some time! You're not 85 yet surely?

Not quite, yeah sorry I haven't been around much but been very busy and done very little photography of late.

Actually that's a lie I was at MacDonalds waiting for my friends but they were all waiting for me at Captain what ever is name is ;)

He could have become an Admiral by now.  :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Graham on October 19, 2013, 10:27:14 AM
  If David Cameron, George Osborne and Ian Duncan Smith were all drowning and you could only save one of them.
  Which pub would you go to?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Beaux Reflets on October 19, 2013, 10:31:08 AM
  If David Cameron, George Osborne and Ian Duncan Smith were all drowning and you could only save one of them.
  Which pub would you go to?

Are they all drinking in the same pub then ?  :beer: :beer:     :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on October 19, 2013, 10:36:40 AM
  If David Cameron, George Osborne and Ian Duncan Smith were all drowning and you could only save one of them.
  Which pub would you go to?

The one nearest the river, so I could watch as they struggle to stay afloat!  :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Malcolm1938 on October 30, 2013, 11:50:56 PM
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he has lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr Maynard was admitted to Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on October 31, 2013, 10:11:44 AM
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he has lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr Maynard was admitted to Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."

 :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on October 31, 2013, 10:13:50 AM
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those
clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on
earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'

... 'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Tony Blair's clock?' asked the man.

St Peter replied, 'We are using it as a ceiling fan'   ;D


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Jediboy on October 31, 2013, 12:08:05 PM
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those
clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on
earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'

... 'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Tony Blair's clock?' asked the man.

St Peter replied, 'We are using it as a ceiling fan'   ;D

 :2funny: :2funny: ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Malcolm1938 on October 31, 2013, 04:04:36 PM
     "As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

    "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

    "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Shahan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

    The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you,Paddy?"

    "Not me meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on October 31, 2013, 06:34:26 PM
     "As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

    "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

    "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Shahan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

    The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you,Paddy?"

    "Not me meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Malcolm1938 on November 01, 2013, 12:20:59 AM
    An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman..
    He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

    The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
    'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
    The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
    ''What's so special about it?'
    The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
    The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

    Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
    The woman giggles and replies
    'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

    The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
    ' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Hinfrance on November 01, 2013, 10:27:28 AM
Let's hope he doesn't get chucked in jail for this:

No! Woman, no drive! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=aZMbTFNp4wI)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jinky on November 01, 2013, 11:29:41 AM
Let's hope he doesn't get chucked in jail for this:

No! Woman, no drive! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=aZMbTFNp4wI)

Nice one.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: spikeyjen on November 02, 2013, 07:11:45 AM
Let's hope he doesn't get chucked in jail for this:

No! Woman, no drive! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=aZMbTFNp4wI)

I have to say I find it really offensive... especially when this is the reality for so many women.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Hinfrance on November 02, 2013, 09:03:46 AM
Then you have missed the piont of it entirely Jen. It is a protest song and was released to the world to coincide with the protest that took place last Saturday.  Just google 'saudi women driving protest' and it is the first link that comes up.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Hinfrance on November 02, 2013, 09:07:56 AM
On the other hand, if you like to be offended, you might find this one (http://youtu.be/mXzqAC_7Vxg) more to your taste, although this is also something called 'parody'.

Particularly ironic in our household as the one thing Mrs H won't do is reverse except under protest ;)

Oh dear, this has started me watching all of these Harry Enfield vids; the women series and the Cholmondley Warner ones are so  :2funny:  :2funny:  :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jinky on November 02, 2013, 10:44:40 AM
That one`s blocked BBC content here in UK H but I remember the sketches. Yes when you look at the dialogue in that Saudi guys youtube video it is clear  many don`t get he is an activist who is taking the mickey out of the Saudi mores and might be a brave man to be doing it were he elsewhere. Have another  look spikeyjen - he`s on your side!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Hinfrance on November 02, 2013, 11:12:25 AM
Shame about the Enfield vids Paul, but there's usually someone who has copied them and posted them under another name. I rolled about laughing at then ones about the gold standard* and the working classes in the East End.

* This and the 'Women, For Pity's Sake Don't Drive' feature Carla Mendonca who is probably our favourite comedy actress - she's just brilliant.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Andrew on November 10, 2013, 01:13:31 PM
Let's hope he doesn't get chucked in jail for this:

No! Woman, no drive! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=aZMbTFNp4wI)

Yes, the subject is contentious - but i think the author was acutually lampooning his culture over the stance.
Satire is not always understood or appreciated in some cultures.
But give credit for the editing etc...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on November 10, 2013, 05:30:49 PM
53,000 Scousers meet in Anfield for a 'Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention.
Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'
 
Wayne Rooney gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Gerrard asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'
After 15 or 20 seconds Rooney says, ' Forty!'
 
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting 'Give him another chance!
Give him another chance!'
 
Gerrard says, 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here,
I think we can give him another chance.' So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?'
 
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ' Twelve?'
 
Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Rooney starts crying.
 
But then the 53,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
 
Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?'
Silence hangs over the stadium.
 
Rooney closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'
 
Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouse crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet . Their screams could be heard far and wide...........................................
 
 
 
 
'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

 :2funny: :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Malcolm1938 on November 13, 2013, 10:58:19 PM
    Smithers

    In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
    After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

    Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.

    "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

    "Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
    I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics.

    I have researched the history of ...."

    Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file.

    Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get f****d."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on November 14, 2013, 09:16:51 AM
 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABERS on November 17, 2013, 11:08:06 PM
What Side Is Your Bread Buttered?

A husband and wife ere enjoying a romantic meal in a swish restaurant when suddenly a young attractive woman came up and kissed the man on the cheek and whispered, " I'll see you tomorrow evening darling"'

The wife almost choked on her steak and said wide eyed and very angry,"Who the hell was that?".

The man said quite calmly, " You were bound to find out eventually, that was my mistress".

"Mistress!" screeched the woman, " I want a divorce, I'll see my solicitor tomorrow".

"Calm down, don't make a scene here we'll talk it over calmly when we get home, but you realise when we're divorced you'll not get the £1000 monthly dress allowance, there will be no ad hoc shopping trips to Paris, Rome and New York, no three week breaks to the Carribean and the Seychelles each year and there won't be a new BMW on the drive every year, so think on".

Things went very quiet for a while. Then a man walked into the restaurant with a girl on his arm. The wife spotted him and said to the husband, "Isn't that George from the tennis club, and who's that woman with him?".

"Yes that's George and that's his misstress".

"Mmmm" said the wife, "She's not as pretty as ours is she".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Daggers62 on April 30, 2014, 03:03:11 AM
A guy goes to an old fashioned barber shop to get a clean shave with a cut throat razor.

Sitting in the chair the barber lathers up the guys face and starts sharpening his razor.
The guys says: ' I've never managed to get a very close shave on the sides of my face'
On hearing this the barber opens a draw and pulls out a small marble. 'Put his in your mouth and as I move around your face with the razor roll the ball against the inside of your cheek'

The guy pops the ball in his mouth and pushes it against the inside of his cheek as the barber begins to use the cut throat razor. After the shave is finished the guy says: 'That is the closest and smoothest shave I have ever had. But what would happen if I had swallowed the marble?'

'Don't worry about that' Said the barber, ' Go home and wait for it to pass through then just bring it back the next day.... that's what everybody else did!'

 :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Graham on June 16, 2014, 12:12:29 PM
Just found this on t'internet. I think it's from Private Eye.  ;D
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/t1.0-9/10437495_10152288537302638_8424782720484216594_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ken. on July 18, 2015, 10:40:45 PM
...yes, this topic hasn't seen a post it over a year, so maybe it's about time.  ;D


Mother Walks In On Her Daughter-In-Law. Then Responds With This.


A woman stops by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocks on the door then immediately walks in.

She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music is playing, candles are lit, and the aroma of perfume fills the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asks.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in- law explains.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaims.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law answers.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me and wants me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and can't get enough of me!"

The mother-in-law leaves, inspired by what she has learned.

When the mother-in-law gets home, she undresses, showers, puts on her best perfume, dims the lights, puts on a romantic CD, and lays on the couch, expectantly awaiting her husband. Finally, her husband comes home. He walks in and sees her lying there provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"This is my love dress," she whispers sensually.

"Needs ironing," he says. "What's for dinner?

... he never heard the gunshot.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on July 18, 2015, 11:22:52 PM
A father buys a robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some  school work."

The robot slaps the son.

 

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

 

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

 

Mum laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

 

Now the robot is for sale.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ken. on November 10, 2015, 11:58:37 AM
Older Than Dirt Quiz!

Someone asked the other day, what was your favorite fast food when you were growing up.
"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up", I informed him.
All the food was slow.
C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?
It was a place called home, I explained.
Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :::::::::

Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.


1. Sweet/candy cigarettes

2. Coffee shops with Juke Boxes

3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles

4.Party lines on the telephone

5. Newsreels before the movie

6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (There were only 2 channels [if you were fortunate])

7. Peashooters

8. 78 & 33 rpm records

9. 45 RPM records

10. Hi-fi's

11. Metal ice trays with levers

12. Blue flashbulb

13. Cork popguns

14. Wash tub wringers


If you remembered 0-3 = You’re still youthful



if you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older



If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age



If you remembered 11-14 = You're positively ancient!



Play along and post your score and any other thing you remember, Please


... me got them all and then some!  :o
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Alfonso_Frisk on November 10, 2015, 01:22:07 PM
my score was 12 :-[

I STILL get my milk delivered in glass bottles :tup:  He only delivers twice a week though and theres no horse sh1t in the road as he has a transit pick up.

Talking of sh1t. You dont see much white dog sh1t now compared to the 60's and 70's  :dance: :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Hinfrance on November 10, 2015, 03:13:16 PM
I got 12 too ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Beaux Reflets on November 10, 2015, 03:42:09 PM
I got 14  :o  and can still remember the Rag & Bone cart outside our gate, while watching the horse dump being shovelled into a bucket for somebody else's roses (as my mother's smaller barter in rags failed.)  ::)

Getting old is no joke by the way  :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: StephenBatey on November 10, 2015, 03:57:31 PM
I scored 13 - I don't recall ever going in to a coffee shop (weren't they actually called "coffee bars"?) when I was young.

Does it count that I can remember when we had electricity laid on in the house, we had to cook using a coal fire (the oven was built in to the fireplace) and we only had one tap delivering running water in the house? Plus the outside privvy...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Reinardina on November 10, 2015, 04:02:57 PM
I remember 13, but we had jukeboxes in cafés, does that count?
Also not sure what 'Party lines on the telephone' stands for.
I do remember we had the first phone in the neighbourhood, with people actually coming to the door, asking if they could make a call.

I can remember the milkman selling milk from a large vat. It was measured out with a ladle, into pans the housewife brought to the cart. Milkman came with horse and cart. A very placid horse that knew exactly where it would get a treat; at my house. When mother wasn't quick enough with it, the horse came to the door and stuck its head in.

I must point out, I may seem older than I am, but I happen to have a very good memory. My first datable memory was when I was 2 years and 3 months old.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Beaux Reflets on November 10, 2015, 04:22:58 PM
I remember 13, but we had jukeboxes in cafés, does that count?
Also not sure what 'Party lines on the telephone' stands for.
I do remember we had the first phone in the neighbourhood, with people actually coming to the door, asking if they could make a call.

I can remember the milkman selling milk from a large vat. It was measured out with a ladle, into pans the housewife brought to the cart. Milkman came with horse and cart. A very placid horse that knew exactly where it would get a treat; at my house. When mother wasn't quick enough with it, the horse came to the door and stuck its head in.

I must point out, I may look older than I am, but I happen to have a very good memory. My first datable memory was when I was 2 years and 3 months old.

Party lines were when land lines shared the same circuits; so if your neighbour was on the phone when you lifted the receiver to dial you knew exactly what they were saying behind your back  :2funny:

I'm still in my fifties too  ;) and remember well.

Who else blew "durge n dire" tunes on a comb with a clean piece of folded Izal paper?  :P  :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Reinardina on November 10, 2015, 05:33:03 PM
Thanks for the explanation of party lines. Don't think we had them in Holland.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on November 10, 2015, 07:24:38 PM
Paddy says to Mick "I found this pen, is it yours?"
 
Mick replies "Don't know, give it here" - he then tries it and says "Yes it is"
 
Paddy asks "How do you know?"
 
Mick replies "That's my handwriting!".   :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on November 10, 2015, 07:26:48 PM
3-blonds from Essex went for a walk in the country and stumbled across some tracks.
The first blond said I think they are bear tracks.
The second said no they are wolf tracks but the third blond said you are both wrong, they are dog tracks.
Next moment they were all hit by a train.  :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: spinner on November 12, 2015, 01:11:48 AM
Thanks for the explanation of party lines. Don't think we had them in Holland.

And each line had a different ring so you could tell which line was being called. I remember
my aunt and uncle, who lived in a pre WW I house in old Toronto had one. We lived in the
new modern suburbs so each house had a dedicated line.  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: spinner on November 12, 2015, 01:18:40 AM
I got 13. I don't remember newsreels in theatres.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on November 12, 2015, 08:25:48 AM
1. The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen

table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting

and crying for no reason. I thought to myself,

"She's going through the change."


2. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has

stabbed six people in the posterior in the last 48 hours,

They believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


3. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday
but it went off before I could eat it!


4. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea

break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.

The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.

The foreman grins at the bear and says

"Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have

their pick nicked."


5. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit
on the head with a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service.


6. 19 blonds go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?” Chardonnay replies,

"The film said 18 or over."


7. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world,

swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain

It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jinky on November 13, 2015, 11:00:14 AM
Loved some of those Oldboy - have to be shared. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Beaux Reflets on December 07, 2015, 12:40:02 PM
Well I chuckled  :2funny:

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Alfonso_Frisk on December 07, 2015, 06:32:45 PM
 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:

Thanks for sharing
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Graham on December 07, 2015, 08:09:35 PM
 :2funny: :tup:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on December 07, 2015, 09:06:45 PM
:2funny: :tup:

How are you Graham - haven't seen you on here for ages.  :tup:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Reinardina on December 08, 2015, 09:47:53 AM
Very funny! Still grinning.

Yes Graham, you've been missed.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ken. on December 08, 2015, 10:20:15 AM
Very funny!  ;D

It was so funny that I had to share on my site.  8)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Alfonso_Frisk on December 20, 2015, 05:20:48 PM
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and
would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and
a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a
couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he
now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady
who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to
1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my
farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't
carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of
paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and
proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time..

' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we
get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my
skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold
you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on December 20, 2015, 06:33:26 PM
 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Alfonso_Frisk on December 23, 2015, 07:03:21 PM
I think I posted this before, but it is worth sharing again.


I am passing this on because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

This morning, I read about a doctor who says the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished.

Since then, I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on December 23, 2015, 10:07:58 PM
But will you feel the same way tomorrow morning?  :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Alfonso_Frisk on January 07, 2017, 11:40:44 AM
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of senior citizens down the
motorrway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches
up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and
hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks the little old lady,
'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'
'We can't chew them because we've got no teeth,'
she replied.
The puzzled driver asks,
'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied,
'We just love the chocolate around them !'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Beaux Reflets on February 06, 2017, 06:29:17 PM
Elderly couple in Church.

Wife whispers to her husband;   " Darling....   I've just done a long silent fart, what should I do? ''

Husband replies;      " Put new batteries in your hearing aid! "          :legit:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Oldboy on March 24, 2020, 04:10:13 PM
A man goes into a pub and says to the landlord: 'If you give me free drinks all night,
I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and buy lots and lots of drinks.'
'Oh yes,' says the landlord. 'How are you going to do that?'

The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano.
The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard.
'That's incredible!' says the landlord. 'Have you got anything else?'
The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar.
The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along —sounding just like Pavarotti.
Everyone in the bar is amazed and they stay all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot.

The landlord is delighted.
'I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?' he asks.
The man shakes his head: no.
'Will you sell just one then?' asks the bartender.
'OK, I'll sell you the parrot for £100,' the man says.
The landlord is delighted and hands over the money.
Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster says: 'You're a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only £100.'
'No I'm not,' the man replies. 'The hamster is a ventriloquist'.

Thanks to the Daily Mail online for printing this joke today from Barry Cryer on his eighty-fifth birthday.  :tup:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Jediboy on March 24, 2020, 04:14:01 PM
 :tup: :2funny: :2funny: