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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 95303 times)

Offline Beaux Reflets

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #255 on: March 10, 2012, 05:23:17 PM »
This is probably the best thing I would be able to think of using one for too:

In the kitchen

 :2funny: :2funny:
:beer: Andy

"Light anchors things in place and gives perspective meaning."

The choices we make are rooted in reflection.

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Offline Graham

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #256 on: March 10, 2012, 05:49:03 PM »
 :2funny: :tup:
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. 

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Offline Oldboy

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #257 on: March 10, 2012, 06:49:27 PM »
This is probably the best thing I would be able to think of using one for too:

In the kitchen

It's one way to get your monies worth.  :2funny:

Offline bones615

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #258 on: May 01, 2012, 10:37:59 PM »
Veet for men reviews on amazon.
Found this on another site and have been giggling like a girl since, bit rude so dont look if easily offended.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=cm_cr_pr_top_link_1?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0

Simon
« Last Edit: May 01, 2012, 11:55:40 PM by bones615 »

Offline michaelb104

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #259 on: May 02, 2012, 08:14:11 AM »
Veet for men reviews on amazon.
Found this on another site and have been giggling like a girl since, bit rude so dont look if easily offended.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=cm_cr_pr_top_link_1?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0

Simon

Now giggling like a girl and rolling on the floor  :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
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Offline Graham

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #260 on: May 02, 2012, 05:01:45 PM »
  I saw this on a cycling forum I occasionaly visit......they'er keen on that sort of thing you know. :2funny:
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. 

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Offline Alfonso_Frisk

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #261 on: May 14, 2012, 03:48:42 PM »
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to theUrologist as a precaution.  When he gets there, he discovers theUrologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.  I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99".



The doctor says, "Great".  Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'."

Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, Very good.  Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.  I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ...... Two ... Three" .....

Remember - You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing!!!
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Offline Oldboy

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #262 on: May 15, 2012, 09:45:53 AM »
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music!
   
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
   
This is considered a major social breakthrough because for generations women have been complaining about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.
  :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:

Offline WillyP

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #263 on: May 23, 2012, 04:48:13 PM »
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana, when suddenly, a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni ® suit, Gucci ® shoes, RayBan ® sunglasses and YSL ® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will ...you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell ® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 ® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop ® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ... Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot ® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL ® database through an ODBC connected Excel ® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry ® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet ® printer, turns to the cowboy and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

AND THAT - FOLKS, IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.

Offline Oldboy

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #264 on: May 23, 2012, 07:21:36 PM »
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

AND THAT - FOLKS, IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.

 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:

Offline bones615

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #265 on: July 12, 2012, 08:39:35 PM »
Found these on another site

1.      A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

2.      Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

3.      I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

4.      The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.
 
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Husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm water over it."
Wife texts back: "Computer really buggered now".

Offline Oldboy

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #266 on: July 12, 2012, 09:10:55 PM »
 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:

Offline WillyP

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #267 on: July 14, 2012, 06:23:10 PM »

Offline Oldboy

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #268 on: July 16, 2012, 08:31:50 AM »
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the
corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's
Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and
a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for
the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The
arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
 :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:

Offline bones615

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #269 on: July 16, 2012, 08:05:30 PM »
 All the stereotypes!!!
Two Irish Men, A Blonde & a Flag Pole


Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height, and she gives us the bloody length.'

 

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