Joke of the day

[Oldboy]

 

[Alfonso_Frisk]

I think I posted this before, but it is worth sharing again.


I am passing this on because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

This morning, I read about a doctor who says the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished.

Since then, I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now.

[Oldboy]

But will you feel the same way tomorrow morning? 

[Alfonso_Frisk]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of senior citizens down the
motorrway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches
up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and
hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks the little old lady,
'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'
'We can't chew them because we've got no teeth,'
she replied.
The puzzled driver asks,
'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied,
'We just love the chocolate around them !'

[Beaux Reflets]

Elderly couple in Church.

Wife whispers to her husband;   " Darling....   I've just done a long silent fart, what should I do? ''

Husband replies;      " Put new batteries in your hearing aid! "         

[Oldboy]

A man goes into a pub and says to the landlord: 'If you give me free drinks all night,
I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and buy lots and lots of drinks.'
'Oh yes,' says the landlord. 'How are you going to do that?'

The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano.
The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard.
'That's incredible!' says the landlord. 'Have you got anything else?'
The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar.
The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along —sounding just like Pavarotti.
Everyone in the bar is amazed and they stay all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot.

The landlord is delighted.
'I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?' he asks.
The man shakes his head: no.
'Will you sell just one then?' asks the bartender.
'OK, I'll sell you the parrot for £100,' the man says.
The landlord is delighted and hands over the money.
Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster says: 'You're a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only £100.'
'No I'm not,' the man replies. 'The hamster is a ventriloquist'.

Thanks to the Daily Mail online for printing this joke today from Barry Cryer on his eighty-fifth birthday. 

[Jediboy]