Joke of the day

[bones615]

Brilliant Mark, Ive just sent it to all my mates.

[jinky]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.'

       Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

       The agent asked, 'What's your name?'

        The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'

       The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name..'

       'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old,  I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'

        The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years....you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like that. I'm telling   you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'

       'So be it!  I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office.

       FIVE YEARS LATER... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

       Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

        'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what   you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.

       Thank you for your advice.

       Sincerely,

       Dick van Dyke

[John Doyle2]

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell.
She immediately called Saint Peter and said,

"This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!"

She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on
it. The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him
again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged.

"There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone *must* attend!"

"Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away."

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning
Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up
the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen.

He heard the following, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!"

[Jonathan]

For all those who think criminals have it too easy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJe4tlhe6qQ

[nickt]

I like the woman putting the boot in! 
Nick

[magicrhodes]

   Very good Mark, but how could you miss off Brian Johnson's  "The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey."?
                 Graham. [/quote
My personal Johnners quote was about an off-balance Botham after a huge sweep swings round takes out the stumps with his leg for Johnners to say "he couldn't quite get his leg over there!" and then the whole TMS team descend into hilarity. Rumour has it that he was mortified and nearly quit!

[Damon]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5 Kg Weight loss program. 

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a

Voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of

Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 Kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 Kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She i s wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent

shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 Kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 20 Kg program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most

Rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in

Years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'


 

He lost 35 Kg that week!! 

[bones615]

 The

  Power of Alcohol


 


  A man is waiting for his wife to give

  birth.  The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born

  without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!  But the dad loves

  his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.


 


  After 21 years, the son is now old enough

  for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is

  proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.  With

  all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head

  in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.


 


  Swoooosh!  Plop!  A torso pops

  out!  The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy.  The

  father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.  The patrons chant,

  "Take another drink!"


 


  The bartender continues to shake his head

  in dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!  Two arms pop out.


 


  The bar goes wild.  The father, crying

  and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take

  another drink!  Take another drink!"


   The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing

  glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.


 


  By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with

  his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

   Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out.  The bar is in chaos.


 


  The father falls to his knees and tearfully

  thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then

  staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck

  runs over him and kills him instantly.  The bar falls silent.


 


  The father moans in grief. The bartender

  sighs and says,



He should've quit while he was a head!"     

[anglefire]

Its an old un...

Irish Girl






An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily. 'where have ye been all this time, child? why did ye not write to us, not even a line? why didn't ye call? can ye not understand what ye put yer old mother thru? '

The girl, crying, replied, ' sniff, sniff.. dad .. I became a prostitute... '

'Ye what!!? out of here, ye shameless harlot! sinner! you're a disgrace to this catholic family.

'OK, dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex, and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club .. (takes a breath) .. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera . '

'Now what was it ye said ye had become? ' says dad.

Girl, crying again, ' sniff, sniff.. a prostitute daddy! sniff, sniff. '

'Oh! Faith and begorrah girl, ye scared me half to death!!, I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old dad a hug.

[John Doyle2]

An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a
living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000.
The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back
home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed the
older man a $50 bill.
The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know
I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it
on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license to
legally marry your Ma."
"Pa!" the young man stammered, "do you know what that makes me?"
"Yep," said the old man fingering the $50, "... and a cheap one, too.

[hevans]

for those of you contemplating the tradiational Autumnal scenes:

[DaveB]

Hugh that's a cracker I love it.
Here's a Youtube vid I always find funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCwKbUVyHLY

[Damon]

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....

You want........Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?'   

[Damon]

How a marriage works 


All men should read  this!!!

A newlywed couple  had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old  buddies.

So, he said to  his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are  you going, honey bunch?' asked the  wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm  going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a  beer, my love?'

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer  brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland ,   Japan , India ,  etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly  pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to  finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by  saying,
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She  took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that  she was  getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but  at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really  delicious... I won't be long, I'll be  right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres,  poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of  different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in  blankets, mushroom caps,pork  strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey.... At the bar... You  know...there's swearing, dirty words and  all that....'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead?  Drink your f***ing beer in your  Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing  snacks, because you are Married now, and you  aren't f***ing going anywhere!   Got it, A**hole?'

so he stayed  home....................and, they lived happily ever  after.


Now,  isn't that a sweet  story? 

[Damon]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE 
What  is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What  is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover  ?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why  is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it. 

What  do you call a smart  blonde?
A golden retriever.

What  do lawyers use for birth control? 
Their personalities..

What's  the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 
20 kgs. 

What's  the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 
45 minutes.

What's  the fastest way to a man's heart? 
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? 
Because those men already have boyfriends. 

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the  dog is still excited to see you. 

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. 

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest  boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.. 

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? 
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. 

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? 
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? 
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F..... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! 

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time..'  A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...' 

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.