Joke of the day

[Alfonso_Frisk]

A blonde was "dispatched" to Heaven.

On arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we've been forced to devise an entrance exam for new arrivals, to ease the burden on Heavenly Arrivals.'

That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of'?

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is - which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?

The second is - 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is - 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave the three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

          'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that the answer was indeed correct.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second question?'

St Peter went on, 'How many seconds in a year?'

The blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said,

'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision' and he walked away shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.

'I'll allow the answer to stand, But you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.

Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited 'til his billy boiled.'

..... the blonde entered Heaven

[Damon]

Red tape, ho!

>
> Nelson - Good ol' Blighty!!!
>
> Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
>
> Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
>
> Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
> meaning of this?"
>
> Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
>
> Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or
> her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
> persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
>
> Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
> opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting
> 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
>
> Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
>
> Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
> smoke-free working environments."
>
> Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
> mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
>
> Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
> Government's policy on binge drinking."
>
> Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it.
> Full speed ahead."
>
> Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knots speed limit in
> this stretch of water."
>
> Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle
> in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the
> crow's nest please."
>
> Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
>
> Nelson: "What?"
>
> Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
> harness and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They
> won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
>
> Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
>
> Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle
> Admiral."
>
> Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
>
> Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
> barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
>
> Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I
> refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank
> of admiral by playing the disability card."
>
> Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented
> in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
>
> Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
>
> Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
> let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
> anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
>
> Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
> the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
>
> Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
>
> Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
>
> Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
> charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple
> of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
>
> Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
>
> Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
>
> Nelson: "We're not?"
>
> Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European
> partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't
> even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
> compensation."
>
> Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
>
> Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
> saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
>
> Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of
> your King."
>
> Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this
> multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It
> could save your life"
>
> Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to
> rum, sodomy and the lash?"
>
> Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban
> on corporal punishment."
>
> Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
>
> Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
>
> Nelson: "In that case................................ kiss me, Hardy
>
> AND SADLY THAT JUST ABOUT SUMS IT ALL UP !!

[Damon]

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said, 
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill?    We're not interested.'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.    We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal?   We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Not commit adultery?   We're not interested.' 

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments.'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

There, that should offend just about everybody.

[Damon]

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one! Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!!

=================================  


Tech support:What kind of computer do you have?


Female customer:A white one...


=============== 


Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....


===============


Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


===============


Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.


===============


Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


============== =


Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.


===============


Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.


===============


Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...


===============


Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?


== =============


Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.


===============


Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


===============


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


===============


Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


===============


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."


===============


And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P"....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

[Oldboy]

I had a similar thing once when I was covering Network support, had a phone call from a woman about her printer not working. Asked if it was switched on and the light was on. 'Yes', she said and added, 'it was working this morning'. I said I pop over and have a look which required me leaving my building crossing a couple of roads and going into her building. Asked her which printer it was and she showed me adding, 'It was OK this morning but hasn't worked since I changed the ribbon'. A quick look confirmed she hadn't put the lever down, which locks the ribbon in place, thus preventing the top of the printer been fully closed and making the safety switch contact connect so the printer would work. It took me three seconds to do, and these are well educated people! If she had told me that she had changed the ribbon, on the original call, I would have suggested that in the first place. 

Another time someone phone up saying they were missing a report from the overnight batch updates, which we printed and sent to the various departments. I told her we would print one, which was about three hundred pages, and bring straight down to here desk. Took the print to her and she took it off me and put in a blue bag, which is used for confidential waste. Questioned why she asked for the report to be printed if she didn't want it? Her reply was, 'It's on my list'! 

[spinner]

A quick look confirmed she hadn't put the lever down, which locks the ribbon in place, thus preventing the top of the printer been fully closed and making the safety switch contact connect so the printer would work. It took me three seconds to do, and these are well educated people! If she had told me that she had changed the ribbon, on the original call, I would have suggested that in the first place. 

A printer with a ribbon? You are ancient.

[Oldboy]

A quick look confirmed she hadn't put the lever down, which locks the ribbon in place, thus preventing the top of the printer been fully closed and making the safety switch contact connect so the printer would work. It took me three seconds to do, and these are well educated people! If she had told me that she had changed the ribbon, on the original call, I would have suggested that in the first place.  

A printer with a ribbon? You are ancient.

It was a few years back before PC's took over, when you only had dumb terminals and line printers linked to the mainframe. 

[ABERS]

Beware you youngsters!

STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this story? ... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

[magicrhodes]

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one! Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!!
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

Acutally I have sympathy for this one. There has been many a printer, hard drive, camera etc which Windows has been unable to find and I have ended up shouting "it's bloody there next you you heap of crap." At this point I'd insert a youtube clip of a guy photocopying his monitor because the printer won't work but I can't because youtube is banned here 

[picsfor]

More I.T. Support Calls:

Client: I've been sat here for 45 minutes and no one has come to my aid
Tech Support: I don't seem to have a call logged for you who did you speak to?
Client: I didn't speak to any one - i just pressed F1 for help!

Client: All of the icons and writing on my screen are really large and i have to scroll up and down and across my screen to reach everything. THe guy next door doesn't ahve that problem.
Tech Support: Ah - i think you're screen settings are wrong. WE can fix this with a few clicks of the mouse. Can you click on your right mouse button?
Silence
Tech Support: Hello - are you still there?
Client: For the 'lay person' how do i know which is the right mouse button (this client was an IT recruitment consultant :-)   )

Client: I have an English Keyboard but i need to write in Flemish and French...

And Finally:

Client: I've been away and was not able to change my password at the start of the month - can you help?
Tech Support: Certainly - i'll reset to a new password for you - what would you like for anew password?
Client: September is the 9th month isn't it?
Tech Support: Yes
Clinet: OK - you'll need to make it 'techsupportarecrap9'

Never has being 'professional' been so painful    

[hevans]

...
Tech Support: Ah - i think you're screen settings are wrong. WE can fix this with a few clicks of the mouse. Can you click on your right mouse button?
Silence
Tech Support: Hello - are you still there?
Client: For the 'lay person' how do i know which is the right mouse button (this client was an IT recruitment consultant :-)   )

I can understand this being confusing for mac users...  .

But, I did have a colleague years back that liked to use the mouse upside down. So, if you said right click, he'd left click...

Client: I have an English Keyboard but i need to write in Flemish and French...

To be honest, this isn't such a stupid question. There are a host of additional characters required to write in French (à,ô,é,è,ç...) and in Flemish there's the ÿ, etc. So, using the standard US/UK keyboard, how do you write these characters? Similarly, how do I get the "£" sign from a standard US keyboard, not to mention the "€" sign.?

[picsfor]

...
Tech Support: Ah - i think you're screen settings are wrong. WE can fix this with a few clicks of the mouse. Can you click on your right mouse button?
Silence
Tech Support: Hello - are you still there?
Client: For the 'lay person' how do i know which is the right mouse button (this client was an IT recruitment consultant :-)   )

I can understand this being confusing for mac users...  .

"This was when i worked with PC's  "

Client: I have an English Keyboard but i need to write in Flemish and French...

To be honest, this isn't such a stupid question. There are a host of additional characters required to write in French (à,ô,é,è,ç...) and in Flemish there's the ÿ, etc. So, using the standard US/UK keyboard, how do you write these characters? Similarly, how do I get the "£" sign from a standard US keyboard, not to mention the "€" sign.?

Now you're just missing the point! 
This was for a company that supported a global market and they had selection of computers with English/ UK keyboards and European Keyboards. We'd configured the mutli lingual aspect of Office to over come keyboard deficiencies where not enough European Keyboards were available whilst providing staff with multi lingual spell checking. Enjoy the humour - you know as well as i do that you've had calls that have had you putting the client on hold whilst you bring yourself under control 

[hevans]

Now you're just missing the point! 

No, I didn't miss the point, but I can empathise with the user not having been trained in how to insert the language specific characters from a UK/US keyboard.

But, we digress. For amusement, read through this archive:
http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard_Indexes.html

[jinky]

A blokes in hospital having a stomach hernia operation. During the operation he wakes up and says " What are you doing?" to the surgeon. "Just closing up sir - 2 minutes " he says. Half drugged the patient says  "No you`re not - I`ll do it".
"OK suture self " says the surgeon.

And
Doctor was doing his rounds with his students and came to a man with leg problems. "Mr Brown here walks with a limp due due to severe degenerative arthritis in his right knee. What would you do in this case?" he says to one of the students. After thinking for a minute the student says:
"I`d probably walk with a limp too".

[krennon]

OK Snopes confirms this isn't true...but having worked in customer service for an electrical product tech support line amongst other things I wish it was, cos I've had customers like this one....

"This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause.""

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

Customer Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

CS: "What sort of trouble?"

C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

CS: "Went away?"

C: "They disappeared."

CS: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

C: "Nothing."

CS: "Nothing?"

C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

CS: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

C: "How do I tell?"

CS: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

C: "What's a sea-prompt?"

CS: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

C: "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

CS: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

C: "What's a monitor?"

CS: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

C: "I don't know."

CS: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

C: "Yes, I think so."

CS: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

C: ".......Yes, it is."

CS: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

C: "No."

CS: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

C: ".......Okay, here it is."

CS: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

CS: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

C: "No."

CS: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

CS: "Dark?"

C: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

CS: "Well, turn on the office light then."

C: "I can't."

CS: "No? Why not?"

C: "Because there's a power outage."

CS: "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

CS: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

C: "Really? Is it that bad?"

CS: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

CS: "Tell them you're too having a good time stupid to own a computer."