Joke of the day

[John Doyle2]

My apology for having offended you! I had no intention of been offensive to anyone!

[magicrhodes]

My apology for having offended you! I had no intention of been offensive to anyone!

Errm hope you are not referring to me, thought your joke was great.

If you are referring to my post, read it again and you'll notice that the letters are not in alphabetical order, hence bang out of order! 

[Damon]

Sorry if i`m being a bit thick here. but you`ve completely lost me 

[magicrhodes]

I'm going to go home and read my joke and will do better tomorrow.... am. off. now.

[Alfonso_Frisk]

Sorry if i`m being a bit thick here. but you`ve completely lost me 

And me

[Mick]

I'm going to go home and read my joke and will do better tomorrow.... am. off. now.

  Now if it was GBNA = BANG out of order  I'd get it.   

[magicrhodes]

I'm going to go home and read my joke and will do better tomorrow.... am. off. now.

  Now if it was GBNA = BANG out of order  I'd get it.   

You are quite right, like the man in orthopedic shoes I stand corrected!

[John Doyle2]

A simple one!

A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to
cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so
thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him
to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to
rent a plane and take photos from the air.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.
He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!'' The pilot swung
the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the
air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low
passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded,
"and photographers take photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean
you're not the flight instructor?"

[Damon]

I'm going to go home and read my joke and will do better tomorrow.... am. off. now.

  Now if it was GBNA = BANG out of order  I'd get it.   

Well done Mick, Glad someone`s switched on. 

[John Doyle2]

One for the weekend.
("Bird" is an English Term equivalent to "Chick", and "tight" is
   equivalent to "cheap")
   You never would have guessed that, right?
   
   This bloke walks into a bar with an ostrich and cat. They all sit down
   at a table and the man goes to the bar and says, "A pint of Bitter for
   myself, a Gin &Tonic for the ostrich and a Scotch for the cat".
   
   The Barman is a little perplexed but serves the drinks anyway.
   
   Sometime later the ostrich goes to the bar and says, "A G&T for
   myself, a pint of bitter for the guv'nor and a whisky for the cat."
   
   The barman is even more bemused but still serves the drinks.
   
   This goes on all evening with the man and the ostrich alternately
   buying rounds of drinks, but the cat never does. By the end of the
   evening the barman asks the man, "Look, whats the story? I have to
   know, why do you have an ostrich and a cat? And how come the cat never
   buys a round?"
   
   "Well it's quite a story," says the man. "I was walking down the road
   one day when I found a bottle. I uncorked this bottle and Genie came
   out and said, `Oh thank you for releasing me, oh Master, what is your
   heart's desire? Tell me and it shall be yours.'
   
   "So I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

[bones615]

Jokes for the blokes (one for the girls to follow)

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.  

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.


Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy

[bones615]

Jokes for the girls

The Why's of Men



1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)



3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

 

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)



5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know......it never happened) 

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)





A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.  AMEN
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

[Damon]

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in  Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'

The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.

'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !'

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, 'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'

[WCB]

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun - a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this to the group:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to a place of safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! !

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what those burn spots are on the front of the microwave oven.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong here? Who would not think that?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would just be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best....?


I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...........................

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD .. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room like a fish on a river bank.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. And a three second burst would be considered conservative?  Sweet Jesus.

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel over the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling from one corner of my mouth which was hanging down like a lifeless,  torn curtain.

Apparently I also pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

[WCB]

A man goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive young woman waving at him.  

She says "Hello"

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from but she does look vaguely familiar.

So rather surprised and more than a little pleased, he asks, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, so he asks, "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery sticks?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'