Joke of the day

[John Doyle2]

I hope this joke will not offend.

Why Jim Smith Lost His First Love

Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and
after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department
store and bought a pair of white gloves.  The sister purchased a pair
of panties for herself.  During the wrapping, the items got mixed up.
(The sweetheart got the panties.)  Without checking the contents, Jim
sealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note.

Dearest Darling,

This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas.
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening.  If it had not been for your younger
Sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears
the short ones that are easy to remove.  These are a delicate shade, but
the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three
Weeks and they were hardly soiled.  I had the sales girl try them on and
She really looked smart.  I wish I could put them on you the first time.
No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have
the chance to see you again.  When you take them off blow in them before
Putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink.  I hope
You like them and will wear them for me next Friday night.
               
                                           All My Love,

[jimthetrain]

Keith Floyds cremation is this week. Gas mark 6 for 1/2 an hour.

[Oldboy]

Keith Floyds cremation is this week. Gas mark 6 for 1/2 an hour.

Is that with or without dressing? 

[John Doyle2]

Keith Floyds cremation is this week. Gas mark 6 for 1/2 an hour.
I wouldn't want to be anywhere in the vicinity, the explosion could be catastrophic 

[John Doyle2]

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary
for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor
informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 P word, she
pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read 'Fred Brown
died'."

Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there is a
7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on
her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up
for sale'."

[bones615]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price."

[John Doyle2]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local
church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem--my husband keeps
falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should
I do?"
   "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I
will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to
you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the
leg."
   In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the
preacher put his plan to work. "And who lay made the ultimate sacrifice
for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling.
  Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister
did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with
the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him
his last son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned
thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your A**!"

[Damon]

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, All I asked was "how are you getting on?"


Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby" Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"


A Hill-billy girl sent an email to an agony Aunt "I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer?"


My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw! It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio 


Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its boll**ks!! 


They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk rubbish and can't drive!


Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick b**tard"


A mate of mine has just told me he's dating his girlfriend and her twin, I said how you can tell them apart; he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

[John Doyle2]

Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital),
and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went
well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was
reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently
patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to
pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned
sternly.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a
humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters -
they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send
the bill to my brother-in-law."

[greypoint]

Gordon Brown received an award in America for being Statesman of the Year

[magicrhodes]

Gordon Brown received an award in America for being Statesman of the Year

And to think they say Americans don't get irony!

[Damon]

 Doctor JOHN had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:
"JOHN, don't worry about it.
You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single, Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality Whispering.....

JOHN..........

JOHN..........

JOHN..........

JOHN..........

JOHN..........

JOHN..........



............. you're a vet.

[jinky]

 Oh Damon!
Another vet joke

A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.

The professor tells the class "In Veterinary Medicine, there are two qualities you must possess as a doctor – the first of which is a strong stomach. You cannot, under any circumstance, be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body."
For example, the Professor pulls back the sheet and sticks his finger right up the dead cow's butt, pulls out his finger and sticks it in his mouth. The students just standthere, paralyzed at what they see. "Now, go ahead and do the same thing, each of you," the professor says.

Freaked out, the students take several minutes but eventually take turns sticking their fingers up into the anal cavity of the dead cow, and then sucking on them. Once everyone is finished, the Professor continues on with his lesson... "Now, the second important quality you must possess is a keen observation. You see, I stuck in my middle finger up the cow's butt, and I sucked on my index finger... Now, learn to pay attention."

[Damon]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the
backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador
retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting
in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog
would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But
the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and
was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies,
and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh*t

[Alfonso_Frisk]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears.  'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.'