Joke of the day

[picsfor]

Just wasted £20 on a Tiger Woods DVD called "my 18 favourite holes". Turns out it's all about golf.!!! 

Risque - but it's a clever one...

[John Doyle2]

Take your mind off the Snow!
An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked
when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her
at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex
again -- the strain would be too much.
The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny
over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs
on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other
on the stairs -- she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering.
"I was about to commit suicide."
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming
upstairs to kill you!"

[Malcolm1938]

President Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.

They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

President Obama goes first:
"What will the USA be like in 100 years time"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he
reads it out:

"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"

Gordon Brown thinks "It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks:

"What will Britain be like in 100 years time?"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

But he just stares at it.

"Come on Gordon" says Obama, "Tell us what it says"

"I can't! It's all in Arabic!"

[Rick Wilks]

Walked past a begger last night, he asked any change mate? No mate i said still got the big house and sports car

[jinky]

Two pile of puke on a city centre street after Saturday night drinking binges. One says to the other -" how come I look all messy and mixed up with a carrot cube here and a pea there whereas your bits are all in order with peas together, carrots lined up, salad together etc". Other one says "Well obviously I was better brought up".

[michaelb104]

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

Being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter
going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".

[spinner]

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."

Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
even know the way to the f****ng Post Office"

[John Doyle2]

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her
husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her
next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're
finally together."

A guy standing in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean
her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs." 

[spinner]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
married for 20+ years...

We were chatting about our relationships and decided
to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you..' Then we made passionate love all nightlong.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,
but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,

 




"What's for dinner, Batgirl?"

[John Doyle2]

An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when
all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me
beck the party!"

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over
again."

He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da
party."

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove
it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.

Two days later he opens the door and there are two big,
strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your
telephone out."

He says, "Vy?"

They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago.
But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the
telephone here."

He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes
to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello,
Operator28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I
told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"

She says, "Yes?"

He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"

[Malcolm1938]

No Offence intended - May be a bit top self - Mods please feel free to delete if it might go too far.... Only read on if broad minded







Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli.

The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos.

And they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now."

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.

"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21"

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born".

"He's a martyr too" says mum quietly.

"Oh, gracious me ...." Says the other..

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.

He would be 18, she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".

He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...


"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[jinky]

Evidently Capello has phoned Wayne Bridge and told him John Terry has lost the captain`s armband...

and could he please look under his bed for it

[Cabbyjohn]

Paddy goes onto the Antiques roadshow, dragging a big box with him.

"This must be a family heirloom," he says.  "It's been in the loft for as long as I can remember".

"Have you got insurance"? The expert asks.

"No" says Paddy, "Is it valuable"?

"No not really",  replied the expert. "It's your cold water tank".

[Oldboy]

Paddy goes onto the Antiques roadshow, dragging a big box with him.

"This must be a family heirloom," he says.  "It's been in the loft for as long as I can remember".

"Have you got insurance"? The expert asks.

"No" says Paddy, "Is it valuable"?

"No not really",  replied the expert. "It's your cold water tank".

[deetus]

What do you call someone who takes 20 cows out of the freezer .......................Thora Hird