Joke of the day

[picsfor]

Heard that one at the Microsoft Campus in '99 as well - and it was attributed to some one from Microsoft telling some one to take their computer back to Dixons and asking fora refund - reason being they were too stupid to own one.

Have actually experienced some one get a call that started with my computer screens gone black - and after a bit of muddling around and reaching a conclusion that the screen was in fact dead was then asked if that was the same problem with the other 8 screens in the travel agent?

Yep - you get them every where...

[hevans]

One for ex-Bolton-D.

[anglefire]

MY TRIP TO LIDL

Yesterday I was at Lidl
Le Bugue buying a large bag of Purina dog Food for my friends loyal pet, Saki, the Wonder Dog. When in the checkout line a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your jeans pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum and a car hit us both.

I thought the chap behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Lidl won't let me shop there anymore.

[hevans]

Just like the pink panther:
  Does yer daug bite?

[jimthetrain]

There's quite a few of these but this one tickled me the most.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hQHb-xyQsKs

[jinky]

What`s every scottish epileptic getting for christmas?

A Wii Fit

- I`m sorry about that any sufferers. I`ll get my coat...

Likewise the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa

[jimthetrain]

And the dyslexic atheist who didn't believe in dog.

or

The dyslexic pimp who bought himself a warehouse.

[Alfonso_Frisk]

How I learned to mind my own business:


I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!


Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

[Alfonso_Frisk]

A recent survey asked 100 sexually active men what they most enjoyed about a blow job.
99.9% said 'the 10 minutes of silence."

[anglefire]

Another man goes to the optician and says '~I would like you to look at this in my shoe box" and then places his very large shoe box on the optician's desk for inspection.

After opening the lid and having a cursory peek inside the optician notices a 9" long x 3' diameter turd.

The optician looks across at the man and says '~WeU, you need to see a doctor about that, not me"'

To which the man replies '~But everytime I pass one of these my eyes water!"

[Oldboy]

A recent survey asked 100 sexually active men what they most enjoyed about a blow job.
99.9% said 'the 10 minutes of silence."

[spinner]

Elk Sex



Two guys are drinking in a bar.                     

One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"   

"Aw crap," says his friend, "and I just joined the Masons!"

[John Doyle2]

A LITTLE-KNOWN CHRISTMAS FACT:

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was

Getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems

Everywhere.
     

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not

produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to

feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.   

This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the

reindeer,  he found that three of them were about to give

birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.   

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and

the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot  of whiskey. When he

went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor

and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all

over the kitchen floor.        

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the

straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed

on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little

angel with a great big Christmas tree.        

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa.

Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't

it just a  lovely tree?   

Where would you like me to stick it?"        

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the

Christmas tree.

[jimthetrain]

Just wasted £20 on a Tiger Woods DVD called "my 18 favourite holes". Turns out it's all about golf.!!! 

[Oldboy]

Just wasted £20 on a Tiger Woods DVD called "my 18 favourite holes". Turns out it's all about golf.!!! 

Should have brought the Pro edition!