Joke of the day

[Beryl]

Three old women sat in a nursing home, reminiscing over their lives over a cup of tea and a biccie.
One of them said, "Thank God we aren't senile"
"Yes, knock on wood" agreed the second lady.
"Come in!" said the third.

[Beaux Reflets]

I went to the doctors the other day.

He said "Gosh, I've not seen you for a while"

I said, "Ï know, I'm sorry, I've been ill."


http://sites.google.com/site/beauxreflets/keep-fit 

[Malcolm1938]

Bob, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Bob leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"

[Oldboy]

A man with  a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear  Sir,
Please find enclosed a  Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald  head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The  man is offended that the outfit  emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.. 

A week passes and he  receives another parcel and note:

Dear  Sir,
Sorry about the previous  parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The  man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.  So he writes a really strong Letter of complaint..
A few days later he gets a very small Parcel  from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear  Sir,
Please find enclosed a  tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of  Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse And go as a toffee apple. 

[Hinfrance]

Not really a joke, and a shortened version of this has been going around for a decade, attributed, incorrectly, to Bill Gates. So many of you will have seen a version of this before. I think the full text has a little more going for it though.

I think every school should have a poster of this in every classroom:

"Some rules kids won't learn in school
                        Text By Charles J. Sykes

                   Printed in San Diego Union Tribune
                           September 19, 1996

Unfortunately, there are some things that children should be learning in
school, but don't. Not all of them have to do with academics. As a modest
back-to-school offering, here are some basic rules that may not have found
their way into the standard curriculum.

Rule No. 1: Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teen-ager uses the
phrase, "It's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who
said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation
ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule
No. 1.

Rule No. 2: The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as much
as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you
feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated
self-esteem meets reality, kids complain it's not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

Rule No. 3: Sorry, you won't make $40,000 a year right out of high school.
And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even
have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.

Rule No. 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til you get a boss. He
doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he's
not going to ask you how you feel about it.

Rule No. 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grand-parents
had a different word of burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They
weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been
embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.

Rule No. 6: It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up, you are
responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my life," and "You're not the
boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you
turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it, or you'll sound like a
baby boomer.

Rule No. 7: Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are
now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and
listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before
you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents'
generation, try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule No. 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers. Life
hasn't. In some schools, they'll give you as many times as you want to get
the right answer. Failing grades have been abolished and class
valedictorians scrapped, lest anyone's feelings be hurt. Effort is as
important as results. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance
to anything in real life. (See Rule No. 1, Rule No. 2 and Rule No. 4)

Rule No. 9: Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers
off. Not even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight
hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.
While we're at it, very few jobs are interesting in fostering your
self-expression or helping you find yourself. Fewer still lead to
self-realization. (See Rule No. 1 and Rule No. 2.)

Rule No. 10: Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your
problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials.
In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs.
Your friends will not be as perky or pliable as Jennifer Aniston.

Rule No. 11: Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all
could.

Rule No. 12: Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look moronic.
Next time you're out cruising, watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his
mouth. That's what you look like to anyone over 20. Ditto for "expressing
yourself" with purple hair and/or pierced body parts.

Rule No. 13: You are not immortal. (See Rule No. 12.) If you are under the
impression that living fast, dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse is
romantic, you obviously haven't seen one of your peers at room temperature
lately.

Rule No. 14: Enjoy this while you can. Sure parents are a pain, school's a
bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it
was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now.

You're welcome."

[Malcolm1938]

Just a bit of fun

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=MZ35SOU9HTM

[bones615]

WALLET SCAM WARNING!!
In Asda whilst packing shopping into the car, You may be approached by 2
fit 18 year old fit Eastern European girls in tight, tiny tops.
They wash Your screen with their Boobs against the window and ask for a
lift to the next ASDA as payment.
On the way they will strip down and do lewd acts to each other. One will
climb into the front seat and Seduce You, while the Other will attempt
to steal Your Wallet!!

I had Mine stolen Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Twice Yesterday and
Earlier again Today,so be Careful!!

Ps You can buy Wallets for 99p in Poundstretchers

[bones615]

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

[ABERS]

 

Trouble is my wife insists on going to Waitrose

[bones615]

Trouble is my wife insists on going to Waitrose

You must live at the posh end of town 

[spinner]

Email from the Queen - an important announcement regarding the U.S.A. 
          To the citizens of the United States of  America
          from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen  Elizabeth II
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent
years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able
to  govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the  revocation of your independence, effective  immediately.  (You should look up 'revocation' in  the Oxford English  Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas,  which she does not  fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron,  will appoint a Governor for America
without the  need for further elections.  Congress and the Senate will be  disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine  whether any of
you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British  Crown dependency, the following rules are  introduced with immediate  effect:

1.   The letter 'U' will be reinstated in  words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.'  Likewise, you will learn to  spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the  letters, and the
suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'  Generally, you will be expected to raise
your vocabulary to  acceptable levels (look up  'vocabulary').
------------------------
2.   Using the same twenty-seven words  interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.  There is no such
thing as U.S. English.  We will let Microsoft  know on your behalf.  The Microsoft  spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination
of  '-ize.'
-------------------
3.   July 4th will no longer be  celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4.   You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.
The fact  that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready
to be independent.  Guns should only be used for  shooting grouse..  If you can't sort
things out without suing  someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to
shoot grouse.
----------------------
5.   Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than
a vegetable  peeler.  Although a permit will be required if you wish to  carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6.   All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with  immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect
and without the benefit of conversion  tables.  Both roundabouts and metrication will help
you  understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7.   The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)
of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.
-------------------
8.   You will learn to make real  chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real
chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.
Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9.   The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  New Zealand beer is also acceptable,
as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only
be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further  confusion.
---------------------
10.  Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral
was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11.  You will cease playing American football.  There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New  Zealanders).  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12.  Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you
are aware there is a world  beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will
learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World  dominators) first to take the
sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13.  You must tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14.  An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will
be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15.  Daily Tea Time begins promptly at  4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when
in season.

God Save the Queen!

[Beaux Reflets]

Email from the Queen - an important announcement regarding the U.S.A.  ......................... (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15.  Daily Tea Time begins promptly at  4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when
in season.

God Save the Queen!

Does that mean that next year in the Queen's speech she will say - '..... as my fellow mericans an me paused for our cucumbar sarnies,.....' 

[jinky]

Had to smile a this one as we hit man flu season:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6keUdzwFCHU&feature=player_embedded

[Hinfrance]

Back in the 90s a very good friend of mine got man flu. Then pneumonia, then a coffin. He was 42 years old, non smoker.

If you get symptoms of a heavy cold, take care of yourself and DON'T go out and spread it around.

[Malcolm1938]

A worrying thought for 2012!

10 years ago Bob Hope died

5 years ago Johnny Cash died

A couple of months ago Steve Jobs died

Some weeks ago Jimmy Saville died

Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and nobody left to Fix It

Let's hope nothing happens to Ed Balls!