Joke of the day

[Andrew]

Let's hope he doesn't get chucked in jail for this:

No! Woman, no drive!

Yes, the subject is contentious - but i think the author was acutually lampooning his culture over the stance.
Satire is not always understood or appreciated in some cultures.
But give credit for the editing etc...

[Oldboy]

53,000 Scousers meet in Anfield for a 'Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention.
Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'

Wayne Rooney gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Gerrard asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'
After 15 or 20 seconds Rooney says, ' Forty!'

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting 'Give him another chance!
Give him another chance!'

Gerrard says, 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here,
I think we can give him another chance.' So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?'

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ' Twelve?'

Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Rooney starts crying.

But then the 53,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?'
Silence hangs over the stadium.

Rooney closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouse crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet . Their screams could be heard far and wide...........................................




'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

[Malcolm1938]

    Smithers

    In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
    After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

    Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.

    "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

    "Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
    I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics.

    I have researched the history of ...."

    Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file.

    Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get f****d."

[Oldboy]

 

[ABERS]

What Side Is Your Bread Buttered?

A husband and wife ere enjoying a romantic meal in a swish restaurant when suddenly a young attractive woman came up and kissed the man on the cheek and whispered, " I'll see you tomorrow evening darling"'

The wife almost choked on her steak and said wide eyed and very angry,"Who the hell was that?".

The man said quite calmly, " You were bound to find out eventually, that was my mistress".

"Mistress!" screeched the woman, " I want a divorce, I'll see my solicitor tomorrow".

"Calm down, don't make a scene here we'll talk it over calmly when we get home, but you realise when we're divorced you'll not get the £1000 monthly dress allowance, there will be no ad hoc shopping trips to Paris, Rome and New York, no three week breaks to the Carribean and the Seychelles each year and there won't be a new BMW on the drive every year, so think on".

Things went very quiet for a while. Then a man walked into the restaurant with a girl on his arm. The wife spotted him and said to the husband, "Isn't that George from the tennis club, and who's that woman with him?".

"Yes that's George and that's his misstress".

"Mmmm" said the wife, "She's not as pretty as ours is she".

[Daggers62]

A guy goes to an old fashioned barber shop to get a clean shave with a cut throat razor.

Sitting in the chair the barber lathers up the guys face and starts sharpening his razor.
The guys says: ' I've never managed to get a very close shave on the sides of my face'
On hearing this the barber opens a draw and pulls out a small marble. 'Put his in your mouth and as I move around your face with the razor roll the ball against the inside of your cheek'

The guy pops the ball in his mouth and pushes it against the inside of his cheek as the barber begins to use the cut throat razor. After the shave is finished the guy says: 'That is the closest and smoothest shave I have ever had. But what would happen if I had swallowed the marble?'

'Don't worry about that' Said the barber, ' Go home and wait for it to pass through then just bring it back the next day.... that's what everybody else did!'

[Graham]

Just found this on t'internet. I think it's from Private Eye. 

[Ken.]

...yes, this topic hasn't seen a post it over a year, so maybe it's about time. 


Mother Walks In On Her Daughter-In-Law. Then Responds With This.


A woman stops by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocks on the door then immediately walks in.

She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music is playing, candles are lit, and the aroma of perfume fills the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asks.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in- law explains.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaims.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law answers.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me and wants me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and can't get enough of me!"

The mother-in-law leaves, inspired by what she has learned.

When the mother-in-law gets home, she undresses, showers, puts on her best perfume, dims the lights, puts on a romantic CD, and lays on the couch, expectantly awaiting her husband. Finally, her husband comes home. He walks in and sees her lying there provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"This is my love dress," she whispers sensually.

"Needs ironing," he says. "What's for dinner?

... he never heard the gunshot.

[Oldboy]

A father buys a robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some  school work."

The robot slaps the son.



The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.



Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.



Mum laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.



Now the robot is for sale.

[Ken.]

Older Than Dirt Quiz!

Someone asked the other day, what was your favorite fast food when you were growing up.
"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up", I informed him.
All the food was slow.
C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?
It was a place called home, I explained.
Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :::::::::

Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.


1. Sweet/candy cigarettes

2. Coffee shops with Juke Boxes

3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles

4.Party lines on the telephone

5. Newsreels before the movie

6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (There were only 2 channels [if you were fortunate])

7. Peashooters

8. 78 & 33 rpm records

9. 45 RPM records

10. Hi-fi's

11. Metal ice trays with levers

12. Blue flashbulb

13. Cork popguns

14. Wash tub wringers


If you remembered 0-3 = You're still youthful



if you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older



If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age



If you remembered 11-14 = You're positively ancient!



Play along and post your score and any other thing you remember, Please


... me got them all and then some! 

[Alfonso_Frisk]

my score was 12

I STILL get my milk delivered in glass bottles   He only delivers twice a week though and theres no horse sh1t in the road as he has a transit pick up.

Talking of sh1t. You dont see much white dog sh1t now compared to the 60's and 70's 

[Hinfrance]

I got 12 too

[Beaux Reflets]

I got 14    and can still remember the Rag & Bone cart outside our gate, while watching the horse dump being shovelled into a bucket for somebody else's roses (as my mother's smaller barter in rags failed.) 

Getting old is no joke by the way 

[StephenBatey]

I scored 13 - I don't recall ever going in to a coffee shop (weren't they actually called "coffee bars"?) when I was young.

Does it count that I can remember when we had electricity laid on in the house, we had to cook using a coal fire (the oven was built in to the fireplace) and we only had one tap delivering running water in the house? Plus the outside privvy...

[Reinardina]

I remember 13, but we had jukeboxes in cafés, does that count?
Also not sure what 'Party lines on the telephone' stands for.
I do remember we had the first phone in the neighbourhood, with people actually coming to the door, asking if they could make a call.

I can remember the milkman selling milk from a large vat. It was measured out with a ladle, into pans the housewife brought to the cart. Milkman came with horse and cart. A very placid horse that knew exactly where it would get a treat; at my house. When mother wasn't quick enough with it, the horse came to the door and stuck its head in.

I must point out, I may seem older than I am, but I happen to have a very good memory. My first datable memory was when I was 2 years and 3 months old.