Joke of the day

[John Doyle2]

And for your photo competions :-
St Peter and Lucifer were at the gates admiring the clouds when the subject got onto photography. They couldn't agree whether Heaven or Hell had the best photographers so they decided to arrange a photo contest.

St Peter rubbed his hands with glee and Lucifer demanded to know why he was looking so smug. "Well," said St Peter, "in Heaven we have all the best photographers"

Lucifer slowly raised his head, grinned and replied "Ah, but we have all the judges

[Damon]

BBQ RULES
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
( THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

[John Doyle2]

Cool one

[magicrhodes]

A man walks into a bar and notices cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling, all the other guests seem ok with this so he has a drink. After a couple of pints  he decides to speak to the barman about this. The barman says that it is a competion; if he can jump up and pull one cut down using only his teeth then everyone in the bar must buy him a beer however if he fails he must buy everyone in the pub a beer. Our hero looks up at the ceiling for a few seconds and the barman says "so what's it gonna be then" Our man replies "I'd love to but the steaks are too high!"

[greypoint]

We really need a groan smiley!

[John Doyle2]

For Air Travellers.

Irate passenger
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being

smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who

probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United flight was cancelled.  A

single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket

down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be

FIRST CLASS."  The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help

you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to

work something out."  The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that

the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address

microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing

throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT

KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the

gate."  With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man

glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have

to stand in line for that, too."

[bones615]

IT vs. Management


A man in a hot air balloon, realizing he was lost,
reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended
further and shouted to the lady "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am"

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between
59 and 60 degrees west longitude."


"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.


"Actually I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is
technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your
information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've
not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know
where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where
you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a
promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect
people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you
are in exactly the same position you were in before we met,
but now, somehow, it's my bloody fault..."

[Damon]

Superb............

[bones615]

>A teacher gave her class an assignment: to get their parents to tell

>them a story with a moral at the end of it.

>

>The next day the children came back and one by one they began to tell

>their stories.

>

>Ashley said, "My father is a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.

>One day we were taking the eggs to market in a basket which was on the

>front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the

>eggs fell out of the basket and broke."

>

>What is the moral of the story? Asked the teacher. "Don't put all your

>eggs in one basket!

>

>Very good said the teacher.

>

>Next Sarah raised her hand and said" Our family Are also farmers and we

>keep chickens for meat. One day we had a dozen eggs but when they

>hatched there were only ten chicks. The moral of the story is don't

>count your chickens before they hatch"

>

>Martin then said that he had a story that his father told him about

>auntie Sharon.

>

>Auntie Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane during the Gulf War and

>her plane got hit and she had to bail out. All she had was a bottle of

>whisky an A.K. 47 and a knife. On the way down she drank the whisky in

>case she broke the bottle. She landed in the middle of 100 enemy

>soldiers. She killed seventy with the gun which then ran out of

>bullets, twenty with the knife when the blade broke and the last ten with the empty bottle.

>

>" Good heavens" said the teacher "What did your father say was the

>moral to that story?

>

>Stay the F*** away from Aunt Sharon when she's been drinking.

[John Doyle2]

Another travelling one.

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in
the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The
bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's
too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the
Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being
cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we
can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss
the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

[bones615]

Showering

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



How To Shower Like a Man



Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican..

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

[John Doyle2]

Why I Fired My Secretary

I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,
"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and
shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big
kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and
there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So
I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,
she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they
will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying
my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,
yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to
miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.


When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile
and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some
coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.


Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since
it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make
me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and
since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have
lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of
town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a
nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't
we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good
idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her
apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you
will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she
left the room.


In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big
birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with
nothing on but my socks.  

[Oldboy]

John Doyle2 - 

[Damon]

These are briliant..........

[magicrhodes]

G A H T S]

That's bang out of order that is!