Joke of the day

[Oldboy]

A worrying thought for 2012!

10 years ago Bob Hope died

5 years ago Johnny Cash died

A couple of months ago Steve Jobs died

Some weeks ago Jimmy Saville died

Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and nobody left to Fix It

Let's hope nothing happens to Ed Balls!

[Just Dave]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room
stops to listen.


MAN: "Hello"


WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"


MAN: "Yes."


WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £2,000;
is it OK if I buy it?"


MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."


WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus
dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked."


MAN: "How much?"


WOMAN: "£50,000."


MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it
loaded with all the options."


WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...
I was just talking to Janie and found out
that the house I wanted last year is back
on the market.They're asking £580,000 for it."


MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer
of £500,000. They'll probably take it. If not,
we can go the extra eighty-thousand
if it's what you really want."


WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later!
I love you so much!"


MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."


The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring
at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

...............................................

..................................................

.................................................. ..


.................................................. ....

.................................................. ......



He turns and asks,

"Anyone know who's phone this is?

[Beaux Reflets]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room
stops to listen.


MAN: "Hello"


WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"


MAN: "Yes."


WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £2,000;
is it OK if I buy it?"


MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."


WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus
dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked."


MAN: "How much?"


WOMAN: "£50,000."


MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it
loaded with all the options."


WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...
I was just talking to Janie and found out
that the house I wanted last year is back
on the market.They're asking £580,000 for it."


MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer
of £500,000. They'll probably take it. If not,
we can go the extra eighty-thousand
if it's what you really want."


WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later!
I love you so much!"


MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."


The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring
at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

...............................................

..................................................

.................................................. ..


.................................................. ....

.................................................. ......



He turns and asks,

"Anyone know who's phone this is?

[Gaelldew]

Suits you sir.


An old lady was very upset as her husband Tommy had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have a look at her dearly departed husband. The moment she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Tommy was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit. The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the funeral parlour to have one last moment with Tommy before the funeral the following day. When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Tommy was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?" "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit," the mortician replied. "His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit." Tommy's wife smiled gratefully at the undertaker. After that," he continued, "it was just a matter of swapping the heads."

[bones615]

Sure  to make you Groan:


The Grim Reaper came for me  last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner.
   
    Talk about  Dyson with death.
----oOo----


Paddy says "Mick,  I'm thinking of buying a Labrador  ."
   
    "Really, ..."  says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
----oOo----


I woke up last night to find the  ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
   
    At first I was  afraid...then I was petrified
----oOo----




A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to  brake fluid.


When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he  could stop any time.
----oOo----




My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her  birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow  this," I thought,
   
    "I can get one  cheaper off the web."


----oOo----

   
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

   
----oOo----


I was at a cash point yesterday when  a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her  over.


----oOo----


I start a new  job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a  good Korea move.
----oOo----


I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van  parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very  miserable.
   
    I thought to  myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

   
----oOo----


On holiday recently in  Spain I saw a sign that said  'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we  have them in our country?'

[jinky]

  I`ll be borrowing those ones!

[Malcolm1938]

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.

After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded.

" Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,

" Does she still have the hiccups?"

[Beaux Reflets]

Well delivered ?      

[bones615]

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil


Wife says to husband "u only ever want s*x when ur drunk"husband says "thats not true....... sometimes i want a kebab"


An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool.
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........;They had no idea they had a job centre!


A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says i can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes? the woman says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is? Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a woman with t!ts like yours she appears out of nowhere!


Paddy says to Mick, i'm getting circumcised tomorrow. Mick says, i had that done when i was a few days old. Paddy asks "Does it hurt?" Mick says "well i could'nt walk for 12 months!"


Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidently swigged from a bottle of Tippex.. I woke this morning with a huge correction.

[jimthetrain]

A bloke last night asked me what was my ringtone. No idea I replied, i've never looked but it's probably light brown. 

[jimthetrain]

I rang up the model shop and asked if they had an airfix model of an Italian cruise liner.
Yes sir, we have one left.
Good, can you put it on one side for me. 

[Malcolm1938]

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.

"The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed
and prayed and prayed for Leroy and the whole congregation joined in, with great enthusiasm".


After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

ouch - sorry

[Beryl]

"Heathrow control calling Aer Lingus flight 94762. Can you give me your position and height please?"
"I'm in the front seat and I'm five foot nine."

[bones615]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
   

[Hinfrance]

This is probably the best thing I would be able to think of using one for too:

In the kitchen