Joke of the day

[Carlj]

Enjoy!

http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/

[Oldboy]

Enjoy!

http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/

Thanks carlj but to many to read them all. I liked the ski theft one best - rough Justis indeed! 

[spinner]

Thanks for the memories Carl. I was actually at this one.

http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin1996-03.html

[Damon]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS
AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL


THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS
AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST
TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING
TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD
MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU
KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE
TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS
A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON
THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE
FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TAKIN MY
TEETH WITH HER.'

[John Doyle2]

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day
of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did
it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that
you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls
testicles from the bull fight this morning.  A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on
vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that
evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. 
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called
to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much
smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the
bull wins."

[michaelb104]

IT vs. Management


A man in a hot air balloon, realizing he was lost,
reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended
further and shouted to the lady "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am"

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between
59 and 60 degrees west longitude."


"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.


"Actually I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is
technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your
information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've
not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know
where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where
you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a
promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect
people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you
are in exactly the same position you were in before we met,
but now, somehow, it's my bloody fault..."


 

[John Doyle2]

  Doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a
rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.

Realising his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and
said, "Well that's great, just great... some assh**e's got my pen."

[anglefire]

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,
And during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?


'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.


Jane explained to him what sex was.


Tarzan said 'Ah ....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'


Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show
you how to do it properly..'


She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.


'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'


Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!


Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.


Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that
for?'


Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'

[anglefire]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

[John Doyle2]

TWO NUNS AND A BLIND MAN

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother
Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring
about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their
habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the
nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each
other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room,
they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

[John Doyle2]

Next one:
The Barber Shop

   This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before
   I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says,
   "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
   A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
   "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop
   full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
   A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How
   long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and
   says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.
   The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill,
   follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes
   back into the shop laughing hysterically.
   The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
   Bill looked up and said, 

[Jonathan]

For anybody who knows about graphic design.  Or working for any kind of customer really.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfprIxNfCjk

(YouTube vid with lots of swearing....)

[Graham]

For anybody who knows about graphic design.  Or working for any kind of customer really.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfprIxNfCjk

(YouTube vid with lots of swearing....)

     Thanks for that Jonathan. I just love a bit of gratuitous swearing of a Friday evening!
                                  Graham.

[anglefire]

 12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio   
 


1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria.  I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there.  They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

[Graham]

   Very good Mark, but how could you miss off Brian Johnson's  "The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey."?
                 Graham.