Joke of the day

[Oldboy]

But Rupert Murdoch knew about it two months ago.

Don't be silly, as according to his testimony to the select committee, he hadn't a clue what was going on! 

[krennon]

I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi !, how are you ?" Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to ?". I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here !". ...From next door, "Can I come over?". Annoyed, I said " rather busy right now". The voice said, "Listen, i will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions".

[Beryl]

Oh I was going top do that joke but thought you might think it was meeeeeeeee 

[Alfonso_Frisk]

The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed 'to exercise the Papal wrist', and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.

'Hold on a minute!', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!'

'This is my big lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!'

So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer. After much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of 2,000,000 Euros.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said, 'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?'

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied,'.... two million Euros...'


'TWO MILLION EUROS!' replied the housekeeper. ' - They saw you coming, didn’t they.
 
 
 

[hevans]

The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed 'to exercise the Papal wrist', and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.

'Hold on a minute!', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!'

'This is my big lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!'

So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer. After much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of 2,000,000 Euros.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said, 'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?'

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied,'.... two million Euros...'


'TWO MILLION EUROS!' replied the housekeeper. ' - They saw you coming, didn’t they.
 
 
 

Brilliant!

Did he get any shots of the 2nd coming?   

[Oldboy]

The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed 'to exercise the Papal wrist', and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.

'Hold on a minute!', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!'

'This is my big lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!'

So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer. After much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of 2,000,000 Euros.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said, 'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?'

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied,'.... two million Euros...'


'TWO MILLION EUROS!' replied the housekeeper. ' - They saw you coming, didn’t they.

 

[rksmith51]

Two glaswegians were sittin in the pub discussin Jimmys weddin.
"Och its gonna be pure brilliant" says Jimmy,"everythin organised awe ready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the rings, the reception, av even goat a kilt to get married in!" "A kilt?" says Archie, "that's magic, you'll look pure dead smert man in that! What's the tartin?" "Och a think she'll be in white!"

If you need a translation let me know 

[Beaux Reflets]

Two glaswegians were sittin in the pub discussin Jimmys weddin.
"Och its gonna be pure brilliant" says Jimmy,"everythin organised awe ready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the rings, the reception, av even goat a kilt to get married in!" "A kilt?" says Archie, "that's magic, you'll look pure dead smert man in that! What's the tartin?" "Och a think she'll be in white!"

If you need a translation let me know 

  and the wife laughed too. 

[Beryl]

A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. 

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

 
'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

 
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

 

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

[Oldboy]

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

 

[Beryl]

To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless. 

[Beryl]

Today I’m giving out dead batteries free of charge.

[Alfonso_Frisk]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
 
"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

[Graham]

A Limerick.


            There was a young man from Milan,
            Who's poetry never would scan.
            He exclaimed with a sigh,
            I think I know why!
            It's because I always try to get as many words in the last line as I can!

[Alfonso_Frisk]

So Fatima Whitbread goes to the doctors,
"What seems to be the problem Fatima ?" enquires the doctor.
Fatima opens her blouse,"Well doctor I seem to have developed these hairs on my chest,"
"Oh yes" replies the doctor, "and how far do they go do they go down Fatima ?"
She replies"All the way to my bollocks doctor !!!! "