Joke of the day

[michaelb104]

Hi I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty.

Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was 

[Beaux Reflets]

Hi I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty.

Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was 

Well was it worth a test    ical   

At least he had the balls to try

[ABERS]

Hey barman, give me a Bin Laden please!
What's a Bin Laden?

Two shots and a splash of water.

[picsfor]

thought i'd hears most, but not that one...

Does 'PR' qualify as a joke? Or a tragedy?

[Graham]

Right then.
                  David Beckham's son comes in and says " Dad, can I go out to play football with my mates?"
                  "Course you can son." says Dave.

                  A little while later he comes back, "Dad, I don't know what number to have on my shirt!"
                  David replies. "Romeo...Romeo....wear four out there Romeo!"


                 Graham.

[Beaux Reflets]

Two posh youngsters in the playground.

"Hey Tony, do your parents ever have sex?"

"Well I'm here."

"No, I mean; do they have it now?"

"Don't know, ..... although I heard my mum boasting to yours the other day, that she's always, feeling under Par" 

(Having whisked that up out of fresh air, I wonder how long it will take to go full circle and turn up in my in box of crud that occasionally gets through.)

[highlandscenics]

Man walks into a Butchers shop...."Have you got a sheeps head?", asks the man. "No", replies the Butcher, "It's the way I comb my hair"....

[Malcolm1938]

Parvinder and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London .

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives
in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend..

Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but
how do you bring home a suitcase full of 10 notes every day?'

Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads:- 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3.

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Parvinder shows Habib his sign...

It reads:- 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan!'


Nicked from the IDF50 site. Mods - Delete it if you consider it too offencive.

[Beryl]

The Talking Centipede 

   

A single guy decided life would be more fun  if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store  and told the owner  that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede which came in a little white box
to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet  to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go  to church with me today?
We will have a good time."

But there was no answer  from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes  and then asked again,   
"How about going  to church with me  and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer  from his new friend and pet.
So he waited  a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided  to invite the centipede  one last time.

This time  he put his face up against  the centipede's house and shouted,   
"Hey in there!   Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time!  I'm putting my shoes on!"   
 
 

[Malcolm1938]

Islam in Italy

Because there are no mosques in Venice, the Government allows  Italian Muslims to pray in the streets.

 601 have  drowned so far

[rksmith51]

What about the guy who made a BIGGGG mistake when he bought a trailer load of Tippex off EBay.

 

[Oldboy]

The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.
 

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

--------------------------------

Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history.  The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------

Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That.... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.

 
 

[Markulous]

Now that Amy Winehouse has died, who else can we get to screech over pitiful emulations of Motown backing tracks?

If only there was a Plan B

 

[rksmith51]

Talking about Amy, did you hear, Rupert Murdoch has said he is touched by some of the messages friends and family have left on Amy Winehouse's phone! 

[Markulous]

If only there was a newspaper around that could tell us the communications between Amy Winehouse and her inner circle of friends and family immediately prior to her death........

- or -

So, Amy Winehouse is dead. To be honest, we all saw it coming.

But Rupert Murdoch knew about it two months ago.