Joke of the day

[Alfonso_Frisk]

[skellum]

Very funny  

[deetus]

Prince Philip's just asked the Queen why someone from Cameroon is now running the country 

[Just Dave]

Prince Philip's just asked the Queen why someone from Cameroon is now running the country 

like it

[spinner]

Just Dave's 'rabbits' put in mind of this old, really old, joke.

A Scotsman comes to Canada to visit with relatives. They decide to take him for a drive through the north country.
As they're travelling along a main highway this huge creature lumbers out from the woods onto the road and the
driver is forced to slam on the brakes.

"Jings" cries the Scotsman. "What in heaven's name is that?" The driver says "oh that's a moose"
The Scotsman replies "If that's a moose, I'd hate to see ur rats!" 

[spinner]

 An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all die and go to hell.

 

 


While there, they spot a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling

back to Earth.  
  

  The Irishman asks to call Dublin and talks for 5 minutes. When he  was finished the devil

informs him that the cost is a million Pounds, so the Irishman writes him a check.  
  

  Next the Scotsman calls Glasgow and talks for 30 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs

 him that cost is 6 million Pounds, so the Scotsman writes him a check.
  

  Finally the Englisman gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was  finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call   and feel free to call  England anytime
  

When the Scotsman hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why the Englishman got to call his home free.
  

The devil replied," Since Gordon became Prime Minister the country has gone to hell, so

naturally it's a local call."  

[Just Dave]

 

[deetus]

My Chinese mate had a girlfriend named Lorraine.

He was cheating on her with another girl called Claire Lee.

Unfortunately Lorraine died.

At her funeral my mate stood up and sang..........


"I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone".........

[jinky]

Bloke rings his private dentist and says "How much to extract one tooth?".
 He`s told £1200.
"OK he says - price is everything here what about if we dispense with a assistant nurse".
£1100 is the answer.
 "OK I am assuming a pre-injection, then the main freezing injection here - price is everything  - what about if we do away with the pre-injection?".
£1000 is the answer.
"OK price is all  important in this arrangement" he says - "What about instead of the full hour appointment with anaesthetic we tag it onto the end of someone else`s check up, dispense with any pain control at all and simply do a 10 minute job yanking the thing out. I`ve got to get the price down".
The assistant tells him that this would be incredibly painful and against all guidelines but will check with the dentist. He gets a call back and is told that against all recommendations  if indeed the job took 10 minutes, no anaesthetic at all or any other pain killer and could be slotted in with no dental nurse assistance- then it would be £400.
"That`s more like it says the man - it`s  a deal -   can I book my wife in for it on Friday please" 

[deetus]

Why did the Mexican throw his wife from a cliff ?



Tequila...

[anglefire]

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa!

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Scousers and Pikeys is not the correct answer!

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children’s iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh, She's Eleven."

The wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Problem was she's rubbish at snooker.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Hartlepool but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

My wife barely notices the racket all those vuvuzelas make throughout the World Cup matches. She's used to hearing a tirade of horns every time she pulls out onto a roundabout.

[deetus]

Why don't elephants do skinny dipping?


They can't take their trunks off. 

[deetus]

To help England fans get over their anguish at their teams dismal performance at the world cup, a free counselling helpline has been set up.............................

0800-4-1-4-1-4-1.

   

Oops sorry, I've just seen this on another thread.

[Moses]

Durex have just launched thier safest ever condom, its called the Green, wear it and you will never catch anything......
OK, I'll get my coat, and hat

[Just Dave]

Fabio Capello has arranged a match with Iceland to try and cheer the England fans up,


and if they win that they go on to play Tesco and Sainsburys!     

.