Joke of the day

[Oldboy]

All the stereotypes!!!
Two Irish Men, A Blonde & a Flag Pole


Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height, and she gives us the bloody length.'

[Oldboy]

A 90 year old Sailor picks up a prostitute while having sex he says to her "how am I doing",
 She replies "about 3 knots ",
 He asks "what do you mean 3 knots",
 She replies " Your not hard,your not in and your not getting your money back. 

[ABERS]

An elderly lady of the night propositions a possible punter by saying "There maybe Autumn in my face, but there is Summer in my heart".

The punter takes a chance and buys her favours.

When he leaves he remarks, there is certainly Autumn in your face dear and there Summer in your heart, you just need some Spring in you backside."

[highlandscenics]

A 90 year old Sailor picks up a prostitute while having sex he says to her "how am I doing",
 She replies "about 3 knots ",
 He asks "what do you mean 3 knots",
 She replies " Your not hard,your not in and your not getting your money back. 

lol.....

Did you hear the one about the useless suicide bombe.......BOOM........

[jinky]

I was visiting a friend  last week and asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
His son looked at me in disbelief with a laughing sneer.
 
'This is the 21st century, he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
 
Well I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...   

[Malcolm1938]

The Indian Chief, "Two Eagles" was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Clean Water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian men spend all day hunting and fishing and all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that."

[Oldboy]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that
her body hurt wherever she touched it. 
   'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' 
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee
and screamed; 
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made
her scream. 
   The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 
   'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 
   'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'


 

[highlandscenics]

  Got to love blonde jokes......

Why was the Midget thrown out of the pub?

He was a little drunk......

[Graham]

    A horse walks into a bar. "Too late," says the bartender, "we're joking about the Pope now." "He's right," sighs Richard III.


    And in the spirit of "Buy one, get one free".

    Did you know that "Findus lasagne" is an anagram of "Fed us slain nag"! 

[Paul Montgomery]

That last one is brilliant - got to pinch it ...

[Graham]

That last one is brilliant - got to pinch it ...

  Where do you think I got it! 

[highlandscenics]

What is a Schitzu?.................

A zoo with no animals......

[Malcolm1938]

 Came in from work today to find the woman I love standing seductively in the bedroom!! 

"Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked....!.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.


"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

[deetus]

Last week I went and bought two goldfish.

Couldn't think of any names so I just called them one and two.

Anyway yesterday one died......................

So I've only got two left 

[Malcolm1938]

        An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

        One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

        As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

        One of the women shouted to him,“We’re not coming out until you leave!’ The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

        Holding the bucket up he said,.... “I’m here to feed the alligator…”

        Some old men can still think fast!!