Joke of the day

[Forseti]

Best of the lot http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6IyGAvbOs4&feature=player_embedded#

[ABERS]

A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

[anglefire]

AN OLD COWBOY
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy"







She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."



The two sat sipping in silence.





A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

[michaelb104]

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something.

We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'

[spinner]

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are out to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely
lauded for his wisdom One day the great philosopher
came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell
me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called
the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a
moment to test what you're going to say. The first
test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what
you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know
if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test,
the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me
about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me
something bad about him even though you're not certain
it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because
there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you
want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell
me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell
it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher
and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that
Plato was banging his wife...

[deetus]

I was speaking to a pal of mine the other day and he told me his wife had left him. I asked him what had happened and he said she went out for a bottle of milk last Tuesday and he hasn't seen her since. I asked how he was coping. He said OK...........I'm using the powdered stuff. 

[John Doyle2]

A ventriloquist was driving in the country when he was attracted to a
large farm. He asked for and was given a tour.
As he was shown through the barn, the ventriloquist thought he'd have
some fun. He proceeded to make one of the horses talk.
The hired hand, wide-eyed with fear, rushed from the barn to the
farmer. "Sam," he shouted, "those animals are talking! If that sheep
says anything about me, it's a damned lie!"

[jimthetrain]

I bought the wife a new belt and bag for valentines day.  The hoover works a treat now.

[anglefire]

Thought from the Greatest Living
Scottish Thinker.
Billy Connolly - Statement of the
Century


"If women are so
bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and
sex at the same time?"

[Just Dave]

Thought from the Greatest Living
Scottish Thinker.
Billy Connolly - Statement of the
Centur

"If women are so
bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and
sex at the same time?"

Ha ha I'll have to remember that LOL

[deetus]

Paddy's in the airport with 2 sacks over each shoulder when suddenly he's stopped by Customs and they search the sacks. They find loads of mobile phones in them. Custom officer asks Paddy why does he have all these phones?
Paddy replies "well while I was on me travels in the USA I get a phone call from Murphy in Cork and he told me that he's starting up a jazz band, could I bring him back two saxophones" 

[Malcolm1938]

 Please read this as a joke and not as a statement of my political opinions.



Gordon Brown went on a state visit to Israel. While on a tour of Jerusalem he died suddenly.
The undertaker told the British Diplomats accompanying him 'You can have him shipped home for £5,000,000, or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for £100.'

The British Diplomats discussed this at length and in private. They then returned to the undertaker and told him to ship Gordon home.

The puzzled undertaker asked 'Why would you spend £5,000,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here, and at a cost of only £100'?
'With the money you save you could pay back some of your national deficit or help pay for the Olympic Games or help your elderly'.

The British Diplomats answered 'Long ago a man died here and was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.
'We just can't take the risk.'

[SimonW]

Apparently the British governement was trying to get back the money tied up in Iceland and asked them to send the Cash...

[Cabbyjohn]

My internet service provider has threatened to ban me. I was on Ebay trying to buy a marquee and they said that I was loitering within tent......... I'l get me coat. 

[deetus]

Just been outside and got hit on the head by a lasagne, a black forest gateaux and a garlic baguette.........
..................................................................
Must be the fallout from Iceland