Joke of the day

[Spiritflier]

The tazer one's an oldie but definitely a goodie! 

Here's another one from a few years back...

How to Give a Cat A Bath

Some people suffer from the misconception that cats don't need a bath. They think that somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some biological agent in their saliva that resembles Persil.

Cats, like their nemesis the dog, do get dirty and have a variety of odours from smelling like the bunkhouse where you camped last year to the same odour as your dog's breath. (Remember! Your dog will try to eat anything.)

Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease the process of a bath is out of the question.

So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to bathtub with lies and a trail of Bonios and Doggie Chocs. Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you... You have the advantage of size, strength and the ability to wear protective garments.

1. First, dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.

2. A bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.

3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and a towel in the enclosed bathtub area beforehand. Blow drying the cat after the bath is NOT an option.

4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the bath.

5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire, the cat barely notices you anyway.

6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom speed is essential. In one single fluid motion shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of it is above the water line.

You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life!

Please try to remember that cats have no handles and it now has soapy fur. Its state of shock has worn off and it's madder than a box of ferrets.

7. As best you can wearing welder's gloves, try to field its body as it catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with its body now fully exposed.

8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto the cat, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As it slides down the glass enclosure into the tub, it'll fall back into the water, rinsing itself in the process

9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will eventually realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt to latch onto the first available part of you.

10. Next, the cat must be dried. No... this is NOT the easiest part! By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat, reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.

11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, it'll be in a much better position for wrapping in a towel.

12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in the towel before opening the shower enclosure. Open bathroom door, put the towel-wrapped cat on the floor and step back quickly - into the tub if possible, and do NOT open the shower door until all you can see is the shredded towel.

13. In about 2 hours it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting its revenge.

[Damon]

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, Time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens, Look what it has done to me! Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I'm taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast! The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of the story?

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!

[Beryl]

joke du jour

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house,
he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do?
"Feed them to the lions", he says to himself, "because lions eat anything." He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts he is attacked and stung by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?" The other lion turns round and says,

Absolutely brilliant. Today we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees

[Peter Jackson]

Apologies for my self indulgence, born in Germany, this one still makes me smile every time I see it.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1365353836237246497#

I know some Germans don't quite get it, but I really wish they would!!

[spinner]

Damon reminded me of this one.

Two bulls standing on the hill. Old bull and Young bull.

Down in the pasture is a herd of cows.

Young bull says to the old bull.

Come on Dad, lets run down there and f*** us a cow.!!

Old bull says

Hold on son, how about we walk down there .....



and f*** them all. 

[Hinfrance]

Apologies for my self indulgence, born in Germany, this one still makes me smile every time I see it.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1365353836237246497#

I know some Germans don't quite get it, but I really wish they would!!

I really like this one - our little girl is bi-lingual but her French is better than her English as she tends to lisp a little in the latter - so I shall be playing this for her when she gets home from school today.

[bones615]

BEST QUOTE OF 2009...BRAVO FOR SHERIFF JUDD.
Gotta admire the man for being honest .......





An illegal alien in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine
traffic stop ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him.
The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at
close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A state wide manhunt ensued.

The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun.
After he shot at them, SWAT team officers open fired and hit the guy 68 times.

Now here's the kicker:

Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they shot the
poor undocumented immigrant 68 times.

Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel:
Talk about an all-time classic answer.




'Because that's all the ammunition we had.'

[WCB]

When interviewed recently Nelson Piquet Jr said his favourite film of all time was "Crash" and both Flavio Briatore and Pat Symonds voted unreservedly for "Liar, Liar"

[John Doyle2]

For Sherlock Fans.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had
gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.
Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What
does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

[picsfor]

Apologies for my self indulgence, born in Germany, this one still makes me smile every time I see it.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1365353836237246497#

I know some Germans don't quite get it, but I really wish they would!!

Brilliant isn't it. Laugh my socks off every time i see it - even after several years.

[jimthetrain]

A pony asks a barman in a very quiet voice for a drink. You will have to speak louder than that replied the barman. Sorry said the pony but I'm a little hoarse.

[Damon]

 


The Funeral Procession



A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.

''What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'

[Damon]

http://www.tagtele.com/v/11924

Warning! Contains nakedness & country music. All good in my book.

[bones615]

Take a deep breath before looking

SECONDS before Death (CHILLING). 

WARNING!

GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO.

THIS IS A PICTURE  OF A MAN
WITH JUST SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE 

FRIGHTENING!!!!!

NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED !! 

 

[greypoint]